KISSES AND MISSES
Grandparents raising grandkids say love trumps resentment

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

•	Hanai family hurting A family fight leads to harsh words when an adopted woman is told she isn't really part of the family. How should she work it out? Weigh in by voting online.

While blended families in Hawai'i are nothing new, we lead the country in multigenerational households. Our state has more than 32,000 homes where grandparents live with grandchildren, in addition to untold numbers of families where the grandparents live apart but practically do all the child-rearing. Letters that came in to "Kisses and Misses" reflected the joy and hardship that goes along with grandparents becoming parents again.

"We've thought of 'throwing in the towel' and sending our granddaughter back to her mom on the Mainland," wrote the Kalakaua grandma, who stepped into the caregiver role again when her granddaughter was 2, she was 40 and her husband was 50. "But it has all been worthwhile and rewarding as we see our good unfolding." Today, her granddaughter is about to graduate from college: "This will be one of the lights of our lifetime," the grandma wrote, "and worth all the sacrifices we have made."

The resentment issue struck a chord with more than a dozen grandparents who wrote in.

"I can say I feel resentment, but also that it is my responsibility since my daughter failed at being a mom," wrote a Honolulu woman who adopted her granddaughter. "I love my little one. I now call her my daughter. Would not give her up for anything in this world.

"On the other hand, at age 49, I should be enjoying what is called the empty-nest syndrome. I sometimes think back to the years I had with no children and do at times wish for that. But I could not sit back and let a stranger take the child and never see her again. To me, our children need to be loved by the family."

Advocacy groups nationwide say the No. 1 reason grandparents raise grandchildren is that the parent is involved with drugs or alcohol. That can make for hard feelings and heartbreaking stories.

"I feel such a deep sense of anger toward our oldest daughter," wrote a woman whose granddaughter suffers developmental disorders because the mother drank and took drugs during her pregnancy. "I love my daughter and I hate her," the grandmother wrote. "I watch her live in the same town married to a loser who refuses to work. She had another baby and pours all the love she can on this child. What is left, her damaged daughter gets."

Some grandparents who wrote said they thought they were stepping in to fix a temporary problem.

"After your children are grown, it is supposed to be our turn to enjoy life as a couple again," one woman e-mailed. But she said she wanted to give her grandchildren love, understanding, security and a safe home. She wanted to turn them into responsible adults, so she stuck it out.

The grandparents who make it work say they learn to adapt to changes, and that attitude keeps them young. So, today's advice comes straight from them:

"Yes, times get tough and frustrations are many, but I have never resented taking on the boys," wrote Grandma Diane from Sebring, Fla., summing it up in an e-mail. "Some may call it moral responsibility. I call it love."

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Send your relationship tales, worries and woes to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802, kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 525-8055. Your letters may be used in upcoming columns. Please include a daytime phone number.