ABOUT MEN

By Peter Boylan
Advertiser Staff Writer

I can't cook, and I won't cook.

Considering I grew up in a household that didn't have time to cook, it's not surprising.

Why waste time toiling over ingredients that only resemble a meal after an hour of preparation when a phone call and six bucks result in instant gratification and a side of mac salad?

I wish I knew how to cook, but time and desire conspire against me daily and lead me into line at either Karen's Kitchen or Zippy's. When I wake up, the last thing on my mind is making lunch. Any inkling that might propel me to the kitchen to slap sandwich meat between slices of bread hastily adorned with mayonnaise disappears the moment I look at Karen's daily menu.

My cousin, a 29-year-old single dude, abhors cooking as much as I do. But he's at least willing to turn the oven on and bake breaded chicken — and his mother cooked all the time.

Most of the time our refrigerator is a sampling of Honolulu takeout, from Sanoya's to California Pizza Kitchen.

Before I am banished forever from my home, allow me to clarify.

My mother makes mean guisantes and, coupled with my grandmother's patient hands, she can roll lumpia from scratch that will have you booking flights to Manila.

But she doesn't have any time. Every day she wakes up at 4 a.m., shepherds my sister to Mid Pac, teaches public school, picks up my sister from Mid Pac and gets home after 6 p.m.

As a high schooler at Iolani I learned the art of takeout from my mom. She knows the spots, from Chinese to Thai.

There was a year-long period of my youth during which my father attempted to take over the kitchen. He embraced the role quite successfully. But, as is common with college professors, he focused his efforts on perfecting one dish. No matter how fresh the tomatoes, or how spicy the sausage, you can only eat pasta so many times.

My colleague Mike Gordon has a different dish for lunch every day. He is married, with kids, and his wife, Suzanne, has mad game in the kitchen. Gordon rolls in with steaks, elaborate vegetable dishes, roasts, quiche, fresh fish, and whatever leftovers his wife hooks him up with.

I recently sampled linguine clam pasta that he brought for lunch and asked his wife for the recipe.

"It's so easy; here, let me write it down for you," she said.

So right after work, I headed straight for Safeway, eager to buy olive oil, linguine, and minced clams, roughly $14 worth of ingredients.

But as I was pulling into the parking lot on Pensacola, I saw something that made much better sense, a sign that would make my mother proud. I ditched the list and chowed down on Italian sausage and peppers pasta from Auntie Pasto's for $8.95.

Reach Peter Boylan at pboylan@honoluluadvertiser.com or 535-8110.