Posted on: Friday, July 16, 2004
KISSES AND MISSES
It's time to 'fess up to his lover
By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer
Dear Tanya: I'm a divorced 32-year-old man and single parent who has been dating a 35-year-old woman for three years. My issue is I'm not sure about moving to the next level with her, the next level being marriage. She lives with me and my 10-year-old daughter, and we all get along well. The thing is, I'm not sure my girlfriend is the one to marry. Don't get me wrong, I love her, but maybe not enough to marry her. She definitely loves me and my daughter, and I'm sure she's ready for marriage. I'm not.
I don't know how to tell her without hurting her feelings and throwing three years of dating down the drain. Especially now that she lives with me and my daughter, she would have to move out and be on her own. I need help in what I should do from this point on.
— A CASE OF COLD FEET
A 32-year-old-man who has decided his live-in girlfriend isn't "The One" asks what he should do. Take your answer to the polls in our online vote. It's only fair.
Come on, your girlfriend is 35. Assuming she wants kids, her biological clock is a tickin', and you — sorry to put this so bluntly — are wasting precious time.
It's too bad you shacked up with her before you decided this woman wasn't good enough for you to marry (or thought about the implications for your daughter).
It is selfish to stay in a relationship that is so one-sided. You're getting your needs met (sex, companionship, a dual income, having someone to care for your daughter). But what is she getting out of it besides a false impression that this is a serious relationship that's leading her down the aisle?
Obviously that's what she's expecting, judging from what you said about her being ready for marriage.
It's only going to hurt her more if you keep stringing her along.
I'm not sure what's making you feel uneasy about a future together, or whether it has to do with insecurities about failing at marriage once already. Or maybe you're dragging this out because you're afraid of breaking up and ending up alone.
Keeping this all to yourself isn't going to solve anything.
You've got to talk.
That doesn't mean shock her with a breakup speech. It means stop keeping your feelings a secret.
You may think it's cruel to break up with her. But chipping away at the child-bearing years of a woman who wants a marriage and family is a lot more cruel.
It's also a lot more cowardly.
Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at: Kisses and Misses, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
Breaking up is hard to do. And that, my friend, is what you've got to do.
Not the one?
