FAMILY MATTERS
Men are minimally helpful when it comes to housework

By Michael C. DeMattos

It was 5 and we had just one hour to prepare for a dinner party that we were hosting at our house.

As we pulled into the driveway, my wife looked at my daughter and me and said, "I am going to need your help tonight. If we work together, we can pull this off. If one of us fails, we all fail."

Talk about pressure!

My daughter looked at her mother and asked, "What do you need me to do, Mommy?"

"You have to take a bath right away. Make sure you wash your hair and dry it really good," she said. "Can you do your own ponytail?"

"Yes!" my daughter said proudly.

I smiled, knowing that if our daughter could get through a bath all by herself, that that would shave precious minutes off the clock.

Then it was my turn. "What do you need? Lead me where you will."

"I need you to take a bath right away and be ready in case any of our guests arrive early," she said.

Maybe I missed something, because that sounded suspiciously like the request she made of my daughter.

"That's it?" I asked.

"No, you also have to walk the dog, pick up the poop and put your clothes in the hamper."

"I do that every day," I complained. "I thought you needed help."

When I think of helping someone out I think of pitching in, sharing the load, easing the burden. My daughter taking a shower without any help was one thing; surely, I could do more than my regular chores. My idea of helping was picking up some of my wife's tasks. Her idea of helping was for me to actually take care of my own tasks.

I watched as the whirlwind that was my wife picked up clothes, straightened pictures, put on music, took clothes off the line, fluffed pillows and preheated the oven. It did not take long to appreciate all that she does for the family.

I am fairly self-sufficient, but the reality is that she does much more than I do and her tasks extend far beyond mere self-sufficiency. Each day she tends the house, including its members, namely my daughter and me.

This is not unique to our house. The reality is that women saw little decrease in their responsibilities at home when they first entered the work force years ago. Instead of one very real and difficult job — tending a family — they found that they now had two jobs.

I like to believe that this has changed, that men are more active in child-rearing and are carrying more of the load at home; some research seems to support this.

Still, I know that in the world of work, I am no match for my wife. My wife knows that I am both aware and appreciative of all that she does for the family, but I know that that is not enough.

I am sure that my wife would love for me to lend a hand, but if I really want to lighten her load and ease the burden, it needs to happen on a daily basis, not just on special occasions.

Family therapist Michael C. DeMattos has a master's degree in social work.