KISSES AND MISSES
He's a jerk, but no one 'shacks up'

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

•	Vanishing Act A long-distance boyfriend keeps coming back into a woman's life. Should she put up with his disappearing act? Vote in this week's online poll.

Tanya: I agreed with your advice. It was sound, as the guy is a jerk who is taking up a woman's prime time in life.

However, I am a 56-year-old woman, and I am dismayed to see you use such a crude term as "shacked up" in your column. I find it judgmental and something an old granny would say.

Stick with "living together" or "cohabiting." You lost me when you used such sarcasm, and I'm sure that you offended many others as well.

Tanya: I've been there. Believe me, when a man says he's not happy and doesn't know what he wants, he's really saying he wants the freedom to explore "other options" (meaning date other women). I was with a wonderful, single father who treated me like a princess. He talked about "our future" and even took me engagement-ring shopping. I thought we were progressing toward marriage.

Somewhere near our seventh month of serious dating, he told me he needed to find himself and was unhappy with where his life was heading. I considered myself a loving, supportive and faithful partner. What happened?

Well, a week later, I drove to his house to talk. I found a strange car in his driveway and heard romantic jazz music, laughter and a woman's voice from inside. When I rang the doorbell, they turned down the music and turned off the lights. He wouldn't come to the door, the coward! I suspect he had been seeing her while I was still in the picture. That night, I lost all respect for the person I once loved dearly. I couldn't believe I had been such a fool. He seemed too perfect, but hardly the perfect one for me.

It took me 10 months to finally try dating again. I did a lot of soul-searching in the meantime. I decided I was a stronger person through the experience. So, please tell people to be honest with themselves. If you have doubt in your heart, it's probably best to move on before the other person gets hurt. If you have cold feet, tell her so she can move on and keep her dignity. If he tells you he needs time and space, let him go. Take time to better yourself.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.