Posted on: Friday, July 30, 2004
KISSES AND MISSES
Bring back that dating feeling
By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer
Dear Tanya: I was in a relationship for almost three years; the first two years were long-distance. I was so in love with this man, and we always talked about getting married. When I finally moved to be with him, the relationship fell apart. Talk of marriage stopped almost immediately after we moved in together. He didn't keep up with his share of the bills and couldn't make any kind of commitment to me. After seven months, I asked him to move out. My problem is, I have not dated anyone since that relationship ended 18 months ago. All of my friends have tried to convince me to start dating again, but I was so hurt by the last relationship, it feels like I could never open up my heart again. Am I being ridiculous? My friends (all married or in significant relationships) think I've waited too long already. What do you think?
— BURNED ONCE
Here's the thing: You can't let one breakup ruin your life. That would just be, well, pathetic.
Another reader who just went through a breakup wants to know why it's so easy for her ex to move on. Have your say with your vote. online poll. Only you can know when you're ready to brave dating again. There's nothing wrong with focusing on other things for a while.
But there are only so many nights you can sit in front of the TV with a pint of Haagen-
Dazs, watching "Sex and the City" reruns, before you have to make a decision to snap out of it.
If you are avoiding dating solely because you are angry and afraid of being hurt, that is a passive way of going through life.
If being alone seems like the only alternative to being hurt, you may want to talk to a therapist. Because sooner or later, it's going to sound to your friends like you're just wallowing.
I would say your friends showed great restraint if they waited more than a year before giving you a gentle nudge (or even a kick in the seat) to get back on the saddle.
It's easier said than done, but you just have to build your confidence back and get back out there. Taking that risk will help clear away the fog of your ex.
Keeping your sense of humor will help.
I'd recommend reading Alison James' book "I Used to Miss Him ... But My Aim Is Improving" (2004, Adams Media, $12.95).
At least, that should get you laughing again.
Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at: Kisses and Misses, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
On "Sex and the City," Charlotte said the time it takes to get over someone should equal half the total time you went out with him. But it's probably best not to count on TV dialogue for some kind of magic formula.
Breakup Blues
