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The Honolulu Advertiser

Posted on: Friday, July 30, 2004

They may as well be speaking French

By Ferd Lewis
Advertiser Columnist

As the headlines and stories coming from the various college conference meetings and the opening of NFL training campus remind us, the football season will soon be upon us.

Which, of course, means it is time for a refresher course in GridCoachspeak. Though it has a remarkable resemblance to English, this curious tongue permits its most accomplished speakers, football coaches, to say one thing while actually meaning quite something else.

For example:

What they say: "We have a real challenging schedule."

What they mean: For the life of me I can't remember what I could have done to upset the athletic director this much.

What they say: "The officials in our league do a great job."

What they mean: For a bunch of out-of-work taxidermists.

What they say: "It's been a great off-season for us."

What they mean: It is almost August and I haven't had to bail one of my players out of jail yet.

What they say: "We'll use the preseason predictions for motivation."

What they mean: And so will the athletic director when he reminds me my contract is up for renewal.

What they say: "Anything can happen this season."

What they mean: And if we somehow have a winning season I'll believe in the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

What they say: "Tumbleweed Tech is the team to beat in our conference this year."

What they mean: Anything to take the heat off us.

What they say: "We'll take 'em one at a time this year."

What they mean: And, except for the bye weeks, that might still be too much for us.

What they say: "I have a lot of respect for Coach What'shisname."

What they mean: Can you believe that guy still has a job?

What they say: "Quarterbacks get too much attention when they win and too much blame when they lose."

What they mean: But, hey, it is sure better than picking on the coach when things go bad.

What they say: "Take away a couple of plays from last season and we could have won our conference."

What they mean: Or, take away some different ones and we could have finished last.

What they say: "Our players are excited about the opportunity to play a national championship contender on the road."

What they mean: And our administration is excited about being able to bank a couple of bucks after paying the medical insurance bills.

Reach Ferd Lewis at flewis@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8044.