Posted on: Friday, June 4, 2004

KISSES AND MISSES
Like it or not, his ex is going to remain part of the package

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

Dear Tanya: After a nine-year verbally abusive relationship, I finally had the courage to move on. I've since found a wonderful man who also just got out of a marriage. He treats me with kindness and sincerity. I get along well with his children. My only problem is his ex-wife. She is unable to adjust to the lifestyle she chose (she wanted out of their marriage). She really wants him back and will go to desperate measures to do so. She is trying to make it hell for us. Her intentions are to break us up, and she says I am in the way of them getting their family back together. I have told him many times maybe he should try to work things out for the kids' sake. He reassures me there is no way they will get back together. Recently she turned their kids against me, and this man and I feel it's better I don't come around when he gets his kids on the weekends. The ex has made many threats to both of us and mentions over and over that if she can't have him, no one else will. She is a very selfish person, and what I can't understand is that she has a boyfriend. I really love this man. He is everything I dreamed of and makes me feel like a queen. I know it's not his fault, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. Is there anything I can do to make this work?

— THE EX FACTOR

First off, make sure his divorce is final before you step back in the middle of his family crisis.

He may be a great guy, but I'm sure these complications aren't exactly "everything you dreamed of."

If you want to make it work, part of the deal is accepting his baggage. Putting up with the ex may be the price you have to pay for being the woman who comes next.

The most telling part of what you wrote is your willingness to put his children first. That shows great honor and patience, and it has got to be the feeling that dictates how you handle this.

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Limiting how much you are around when your boyfriend has the kids may be wise, at least for now. They need time to adjust, and so do you. Just don't let the ex dictate when you're allowed to be there. There's nothing wrong with accompanying your boyfriend and the kids occasionally and getting to know one another without making the kids feel like you're replacing their mother.

The ex's threats and outbursts may just be masking her pain over the breakup. Just keep your cool. Don't get in the middle of arguments with her, because you'll never win that way. Lessen her grip by removing yourself emotionally from the power struggle. It isn't really about you, anyway. And the kids will have a way of making up their own minds no matter what manipulative tactics are at play.

If the ex's threats make you fear for your safety, that's a serious issue you need to address by seeking outside help (such as calling the police and asking about a restraining order).

You can't blame your boy-friend or make him fix the problem, but you do have a right to set your boundaries and to ask him whether he's told his ex what he told you about there being no chance of reconciliation.

You need to let your boyfriend know if you're reaching your limit in terms of how much you can handle. Bottom line: The ex is part of the package that comes with your boyfriend. If you can't handle that, you need to move on.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com; or fax 525-8055.