That first sum is what it would cost me to have a series of chemical peels to remove some brown spots on my face caused by years of unsafe sun. The second figure is for the four hours of laser treatment that would be necessary to remove one dime-sized patch next to my right eye.

It was that one spot that brought me to the doctor's office for a consultation. It wasn't hideous or anything, but it has bothered me more and more in recent years, never so much as when I'm trying to cover it with foundation.

In fact, most people probably wouldn't notice it. Even my hypercritical teenage daughter thought I was nuts to fret over it. "You can't even see it," said she who tries on five outfits before going to school every day.

I, like the rest of America, was suffering from makeover madness.

The best part of women's magazines was always the before-and-after features that showed "real" women with new do's, makeup and figure-flattering clothes. Then makeovers became ratings winners for Sally Jesse Raphael, Oprah and other TV shows of that ilk, spawning regular series such as "Fashion Emergency" and "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

Sure, there was the occasional scream-inducing waxing and mullet mercy killing, but no one bled for beauty.

Now we have ABC's "Extreme Makeover" and, more disturbing, "The Swan" on Fox and MTV's creepy "I Want a Famous Face," where young people surgically make themselves over into their celebrity idols. But not quite. In fact, not even close.

I admit a fascination with these shows. The transformation can be pretty remarkable, but some of these folks lack any gross abnormalities, and it would seem that all they really need is a good haircut, a makeup consultation at their local Macy's cosmetics counter, and maybe a little more help around the house so they're not so darn exhausted all the time. (But enough about me.)

Many of these "ugly ducklings" appear to have loving families and no shortage of friends, so you have to wonder, if they weren't happy before going under the knife, whether rhinoplasty and dental veneers will cure their deep-rooted self-esteem issues.

I am not against cosmetic surgery. In fact, the only thing keeping me from considering counter-gravity measures is lack of disposable income and fear of pain.

Lack of commitment is another issue. I'd like whiter teeth, but I'm not ready to give up Diet Coke.

So, I turned down the chemical peels and laser treatment, and walked out of the doctor's office with a prescription for an $85 tube of "spot remover" cream. That's about as extreme as I want to get — for now.