By Mike Gordon
Advertiser Staff Writer

The runner plodded past us, and Mrs. G. and I had the same awful thought.

It was a reflex reaction, nothing personal, like a gag when you've swallowed too much steak: At his age, that guy needs to wear a shirt.

Problem was, his age looked like our age.

We were walking the dog that evening, grabbing a few moments of uninterrupted conversation from our busy lives. The runner made us feel uncomfortable.

As he slipped into the night, we wondered aloud if we were aging gracefully. Neither of us liked the answer.

"Is this what you thought I'd look like after 18 years of marriage?" asked Mrs. G.

I ignored the question, stood tall, gave my best arm-pumping, muscle-man pose.

"Did you think I'd still look like this?"

Even under street lights, I could see a potent scowl.

"Yeah, still bald."

Men and women have their own degrees of vanity, but learning to be comfortable in your own skin takes patience. More patience than I have, that's for sure.

Still, women ask trick questions that men should not have to answer. Mrs. G. went clothes shopping and hasn't stopped asking this question for weeks.

Men don't ask these questions. They want to appear as if they don't care.

Trust me, they do.

The wrinkle is, we rarely see ourselves for what we really are. I'm not talking inner beauty or wisdom — I'm too shallow for all that. I mean, what we really look like.

You can look at a body part and admire it if you want, but it's only part of the puzzle. Last time I checked, I hadn't made the cover of Sports Illustrated or Flex Magazine.

Getting a glimpse of yourself, the total package, could be off-putting. Depressing, even. You wonder if you always looked that way, and discover you don't want to hear the answer.

"Well, I wear a shirt when I run," I said as our walk resumed. "In the old days ..."

"You were 30 pounds lighter in the old days," she said. "But you still wear the same size pants. How do you do that?"

"Good breeding."

"Well, I wear baggy clothes," Mrs. G. said.

We made our way down the street, and Mrs. G. explained why we will never own a full-length mirror or a bathroom scale. It has nothing to do with space.

Apparently, they're way too honest.

"Honesty is ..."

"... best kept to yourself," she said. "Now, are you going to answer my question?"

I thought about that. Thought about it some more, even. Aging gracefully is a work in progress.

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

Another withering stare.

"No, but the dog needs your attention. Here's a plastic bag."

Funny. This isn't how I ever pictured myself.

Reach Mike Gordon at mgordon@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8012.