Dads, newborns have yet to meet

By Catherine E. Toth
Advertiser Central O'ahu Writer

WAHIAWA — Jessica Culligan was lying in a hospital bed when her cell phone rang.

The husbands and fathers of these four families are in Iraq and Afghanistan: Elaine Anders, left, holding twins Hailey and Zachary, daughters Madison and Caitlin (seated on stairs) and son Daniel, with beret; Lynn Leith, left rear, holding Zachary, and sons Jacob and Andrew (both in front of her); Jessica Culligan, in tank top, with Ava; and Sheri Siegel holding Nickalas, left, and Arianne. Deborah Booker • The Honolulu Advertiser

He didn't know his wife was going into labor. He didn't even know she was in the hospital.

Even though Jessica Culligan couldn't get to the phone, his call made the whole experience of giving birth to their first child alone a little easier.

"It's been hard," said Jessica Culligan, 24, who gave birth to 9-pound Ava Leilani Culligan on May 20. "I was really nervous after I had her. I really wanted him to be here."

But Brad Culligan, a battery commander with the 2nd Battalion, 11th Field Artillery, isn't coming home for at least another nine months.

In that time, he'll miss Ava's first laugh, first teeth and maybe even first steps. And he's also missing his first Father's Day.

"It's so hard because I'm a single mom now," Jessica Culligan said, bouncing her baby in her arms. "Everything takes twice as long. I've got no extra hand to help. ... It's the little things he misses. He can't see the faces she makes or the things she does. He's just not here to see all that."

The Culligans aren't alone.

Since the deployment of more than 8,000 soldiers from Hawai'i to Afghanistan and Iraq this year, dozens of pregnant wives were left to carry, then give birth to, children their husbands have never met.

While families across Hawai'i are celebrating Father's Day with brunches, potlucks and barbecues at the beach, today will be just another Sunday without Dad for many military families.

The real holiday will begin when the soldiers come home.

"It's just another day," said Lynn Leith, a mother of three who gave birth to Zachary Charles in March, while her husband, Lt. Col. Scott Leith, is stationed in Iraq. "He's missing the basketball games, the milestones in our baby's life. I know he's missing goofing off with his boys."

Like the other wives of deployed soldiers, Leith mailed her husband a care package of pictures their sons painted, photos of their newborn, dry ramen noodles and green sheets for his bed.

But she would much rather have him home on Father's Day instead.

"Just as Zachary starts to do things," she said, cradling her newborn, "I get really emotional."

The Leiths are picnicking today at Queen's Surf in Waikiki, catching waves and lounging on the beach — exactly what they would have done if Dad were home.

"We're a beach family," said Lynn Leith, fighting back tears. "We wouldn't miss a weekend."

The distance is equally hard for the fathers, who can't be around for soccer games and graduations.

"The most difficult thing about deploying to Iraq for all the married soldiers was certainly leaving our families behind," wrote Scott Leith, with the 1st Battalion, 27th Infantry ("Wolfhounds"), in an e-mail. "I knew what the country had asked us to do and my heart is in it, but just the same I fought feelings of guilt for not being there to help out in everyday life. Words can't really describe the feeling. For service to our country, we have missed milestones in our kids' lives, too."

Sheri Siegel is one of the fortunate wives. Her husband, Matthew, was able to come home on a two-week leave starting this weekend.

She bought him a gas/charcoal grill, tied a big red bow around it and wrote "Happy Daddy Day" on a dry-erase board. Their 2-year-old son, Nickalas, drew a picture for his dad, a staff sergeant in the 1st Battalion, 27th Infantry.

"We're not going to do anything," said Sheri Siegel, 25, about their plans for today. "We're going to stay at home and be a family. Plain and simple."

She went home to Manteca, Calif., to give birth to their daughter, Arianne, in April.

While she was in pre-term labor, her husband called — not knowing she was in the hospital. They got to talk in the delivery room. And when she wasn't able to hold the phone to her ear anymore, he talked with her best friend, who was filming the birth.

"He was saying, 'Push! Push!' " Sheri Siegel said with a laugh. "It was like he was there."

Elaine Anders wasn't so worried about raising her newborn twins without her husband, Michael, a captain with the 3rd Battalion, 7th Field Artillery.

Except that they have three other children, all under 8.

Hailey Anuhea and Zachary Kekoa were born three weeks early. Elaine Anders sent her husband a message about their birth through the American Red Cross. He called her two hours later.

Then he sat down and wrote a letter to his two newborns.

"Even though I had a very long day and was very tired," he wrote to Hailey and Zachary, "I didn't sleep. I wanted to be with your mom and greet you."

Elaine Anders cried when she read that.

"He's very tenderhearted," she said.

These wives have found support in a very strong network of women within the military community. They have coffee together, talk about their problems and make dinner for one another.

Jessica Culligan's parents had initially wanted her to come home to Atlanta instead of staying in Hawai'i while she was pregnant. But when her parents saw the enormous support from other military wives at Schofield Barracks, they told her she made the right decision to stay.

"They were so glad I stayed," she said. "We have a wonderful support system here."

While pregnant with Zachary, Lynn Leith began "Operation Bun in the Oven," a support group of wives who do everything from run errands to attend birthing classes.

"The community here is very tight," she said. "We just know what each other is going through. It's like we're on a roller coaster. When one is up, another is down, and we help each other. It all evens out."

The Army Community Service also sponsors Spouses' Night Out every Thursday with free childcare. The two-hour event features workshops in everything from belly dancing to financial planning, cake decorating to web design.

It's the distraction that helps them deal with their empty homes during deployment.

"I keep really busy," said Elaine Anders, 36, who grew up on O'ahu. "Time goes by much faster."

And staying connected with their husbands — through e-mail, faxes, digital photos — has saved their sanity, the wives said.

"I don't think I could be a military wife without the technology we have today," said Lynn Leith, who sends a digital photo of the boys to her husband every day.

Most of them have Web cams set up so their husbands can see their newborns. Some rely on instant messaging and e-mail. Some exchange videotapes with each other. And others still get the occasional surprise in the mailbox.

Like Jessica Culligan, who got a care package from her husband in Iraq, after she gave birth to Ava.

He sent her a tight black dress — "motivation for me to get skinny again," she laughed. "There's no way I could wear it now."

Right now, she just misses her husband.

"He's always asking how she's doing," Jessica Culligan said. "It's going to be such a shock when he comes home. I'm sure a lot will change in him. But he's such a great provider for me, I know he'll be a wonderful father."

In fact, Brad Culligan already has a nickname for the daughter he's never met: my little fuzzball.

"He said it's been hard for him, but it's nice to have someone to come home to," Jessica Culligan said. "I don't think it really hit him yet. ... He's got a little girl now."

Reach Catherine E. Toth at 535-8103 or ctoth@honoluluadvertiser.com.