ABOUT MEN

By Michael Tsai
Advertiser Staff Writer

There's a seldom-addressed reason why men are squeamish about big, emotional occasions like weddings, funerals, births and major home entertainment purchases.

These are meaningful life events, moments in time that call for the free expression of joy and sorrow, sharing and support. More to the point, these are times when it's all but impossible to avoid the dreaded man-hug.

Galloping geckoes, is there anything as uncomfortable to behold as two heterosexual American males trying to embrace without cracking a joke, a rib, or a manly facade?

I myself am not a terribly huggy person to begin with. Close friends and family excluded, I'd rather hug a cactus than a person. And hugs from casual male acquaintances violate one of my favorite rules: Don't touch me.

In other cultures a congenial hug or a peck on the cheek between men is perfectly OK. Even a hard kiss, in certain contexts, can be viewed without the adolescent sniggering that most man-to-man contact elicits.

In sports, we engage in all sorts of odd, touchy behavior, from butt-pats to chest bumps to headlocks sans noogie.

But for many American men — and many, many local Hawai'i guys to be sure — there are all sorts of macho, personal-space issues that make the basic man-hug about as comfortable as a flexible sigmoidoscopy.

Why get all weirded out over something as innocuous as a hug? Homophobia, for one. Or, just as likely, the fear of seeming homosexual. In either case, the only proper advice is to get over yourself. (And why is it always the dateless losers who worry about this the most?)

There may be a bigger issue at play here. Inherent in every man-hug is a bit of a power struggle. You can read alpha displays in everything from who initiates the man-hug to whose arms take a more dominant position. Thus the jerk who tries to squeeze sparks from your knuckles when he shakes your hand is likely the same type of doofus who will yank your head into his chest in a man-hug.

There's also the issue of vulnerability. A hug is an intimate thing, perhaps too personal to share if there isn't a touchdown involved.

So how do we handle the awkwardness of the man hug? By building into it a lot of hitting, of course.

There's the old lean-and-pound, wherein both parties lean in, barely touching, and deliver two solid blows to the back. Kind of like a bruising "there-there." Or there's the local fave — call it the hedge-hug — that starts with a thundercrack thumb-grip handshake followed by a wrap-around back slap. The held handshake ensures that no one gets too close and gives both parties the option of decking the other in the stomach if need be.

All things considered, I'll take my chances with the bone-crushing handshake.

Reach Michael Tsai at mtsai@honoluluadvertiser.com or 535-1461.