Vows don't excuse his lies, abuse | The Honolulu Advertiser

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Vows don't excuse his lies, abuse | The Honolulu Advertiser | Hawaii's Newspaper

Posted on: Friday, June 25, 2004

KISSES AND MISSES
Vows don't excuse his lies, abuse

By Tanya Bricking Leach

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His mother is driving me nuts

A reader who found the man of her dreams also found the future mother-in-law of her nightmares.

Should she stick it out with her boyfriend, or leave because his mother is coming between them?

If you are familiar with this kind of situation, log in and vote in our weekly relationships poll online.

Dear Tanya: I feel so stuck. I've been married for 25 years. We have two grown children and a granddaughter. When I married at 25, all anyone had to do was take a look at my husband and know he had charm and charisma. But at 49, I'm realizing I came from an abusive background and married right back into abuse. Our whole marriage has been nothing but abuse, lies and deceit. He would do things like not allow me to lock the bathroom door or open the mail. Whenever our children would get in trouble, I would get in trouble, too. He would make rules I could not possibly live up to. He never hit me, but two years into our marriage, I was ironing a shirt, and he picked up the iron and placed it on my arm. I don't even count that anymore because that was the only physical thing he did to me. Emotionally, I've just had to put up with his incredible lies. We have been in counseling for 10 months, and he's tried to be nicer, but I know he's still lying by omission. Any ideas?

— NUTSO

Yeah, here's an idea: Divorce him.

I applaud you for going to counseling to try to save your marriage. Being together "for better or for worse" is a promise far too many people throw away too easily.

But I think there should be an exception clause for marriage vows when it comes to abuse.

Even if he just touched you once with a hot iron, how many reasons do you need to leave him?

The emotional abuse on a regular basis sounds like torture enough.

Can this marriage be saved? Yeah, if you want to keep enduring it. Maybe you could put up with this jerk and his controlling ways for the rest of your life.

But why do that to yourself?

After 25 years, you expect him to change?

The only positive part of your letter was that after 10 months of counseling, your husband is being "nicer."

If that's the best you can say about him, think about whether that's enough to stand by your man.

Me, I wouldn't want to stick around to get burned again.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.

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