Traditional home factor in decision to marry

By Marilyn Elias
USA Today

Those from nontraditional families also mistrust women more than other men do, says the survey of 1,010 heterosexual men ages 25 to 34. It was commissioned by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, and done by Opinion Research Corp. of Princeton.

"Divorce usually means bitterness from one side or another, or both," says David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project. "These men may be more fearful of marriage because of what they've seen."

There's less pressure nowadays to marry, and adults raised by divorced parents have more "live together" relationships than do those from traditional homes, Popenoe says. In the survey:

• Among married men, 63 percent grew up in two-parent homes, vs. 37 percent in nontraditional families.
• 54 percent from traditional homes say they'd "be ready to marry tomorrow if the right person came along," vs. 43 percent of men from single-parent or step-parent families.
• 22 percent of singles are "not the marrying kind." These are more likely to be from nontraditional families (59 percent) vs. 41 percent from homes with two biological parents.

Men from religious homes and those who say their dads were more involved in their upbringing are more ready to marry than are men raised in secular families or without much father time.

"Example is not just the best teacher, it's the only teacher, and a lot of these guys learned attitudes about marriage and women from their fathers," says Diane Sollee, director of SmartMarriages.com, an information clearinghouse on marriage education and improvement. "Many saw fathers estranged from their mothers, or fathers who weren't there, maybe in their third marriage or with their 14th girlfriend," she says.

These boys may grow up to fear commitment or not respect women, she adds. But marriage education classes can teach relationship skills "and help them rebuild confidence that they can have a happy marriage."

The survey findings don't surprise psychologist Judith Wallerstein, whose 25-year study of children post-divorce has followed them into their early 40s. The men in her study often have live-in relationships but fear marriage.

"What they fear is being betrayed. The notion that relationships could last is hard for them to believe. ... They just don't have a vision of how you can work things out," she says.

But the idea that most kids whose parents divorced will have trouble making healthy marriages is challenged by psychologist Stephanie Coontz, research director at the Council on Contemporary Families, which supports varied types of healthy families.

"This is way too broad-stroke. It ignores the tremendous variation in nontraditional families. ... Just because there's a higher percentage not getting married doesn't mean most kids from these families end up troubled," Coontz says.

In step-parent studies, boys and girls who grow up with strong, mentally healthy parents look more similar to children from intact homes, says psychologist James Bray of Baylor College of Medicine in Houston.

"Of course, if you grow up with your father not around, or in angry disputes with your mother, you may have doubts about marriage and being a good father yourself. But there are a lot of healthy situations in stepfamilies, and these kids aren't afraid of commitments," Bray says.