Gym grunts need some zoo etiquette

By Jeff Elder
Knight Ridder News Service

Leave the screaming and slamming of weights for the zoo: Not everyone at the gym wants to be impressed. Advertiser library photo • Sept. 5, 2003

A power-lifting gorilla screams as he slams down clanging free weights.

A sloth lounges motionless on a circuit-weights machine. A greyhound barks and nips at those around her in aerobics class.

You might want animalistic energy in your workout, but don't be beastly when it comes to gym etiquette. Especially this time of year, when health clubs are packed, we all need to be considerate.

Tips for gorillas (weightlifters): Yes, you are impressive hoisting all that weight. But watching you and listening to you is not the highlight of our day. Our exercise is just as important as yours. Knock off the screaming and slamming of weights. And not everyone may share your fondness for heavy-metal music that sounds like a chain saw going through someone's skull.

Tips for sloths (lazy exercisers): You may not crash out on the machines. Use it or lose it. Remember, you're here to exercise.

Tips for greyhounds (aerobics queens): We do not want your exercise advice. We might not want to chat perkily at 5 a.m. Even if you can go for two hours on the Stairmaster, yield it to someone who is waiting after a half-hour.

Tips for water buffaloes (sweaty guys): Don't leave a machine shiny. Spray a little cleaning solution on a paper towel and give it a wipe. Carry a hand towel to mop your brow.

Tips for pack rats (people with stuff): Use a locker. Don't lug your stuff around where other people have to step over it.

Tips for chimps (young people): Leave your cell phone in the car. The people on the next machine don't want to listen to the details of your private life.

While gyms can be a good place to meet people, don't leer or come on to someone. Polite conversation will get you further, anyway.

Tips for bares (the skimpily clothed): Congratulations on your nice body. Now put it away.

It's fine to have a thong in your heart, but we don't want to see one in your — elsewhere. The tiny tank tops and skin-tight stretchy stuff is too much — or too little, to be more accurate.

Tips for all animals: Put your weights back where they belong. It's dangerous and inconsiderate to leave them lying around or where someone might have to struggle to remove them.

Let someone else in if you're taking a long time on a machine.

Offer to "spot" someone if they need help doing a weights exercise.

Tips for the zookeeper (gym management): Aim for a common denominator when it comes to music: no Primus, no Bee Gees.

Be straight with us about offers. Don't pressure us to extend a membership or buy a package if there isn't really an expiration date.