THE COLOR OF MONEY
Discuss finances with elderly who'll need help

By Michelle Singletary

WASHINGTON — I always told my grandmother, Big Mama, that I would take care of her in her old age. After all, she took me when I was 4 and raised me.

I'll be honest, however. I would have had a tough time helping with her financial affairs.

"My business ain't none of your business," Big Mama would say anytime I tried to broach the subject. "You'll know everything you need to know when I die."

My grandmother, who died at 82 before I had to fulfill my promise, was right about a lot of things. But she was wrong not to share key financial information. I needed to know what was going on with her money in case she lived past the time she could manage it alone.

At least I tried. Many potential caregivers never even make the effort until a health crisis with their parents forces the issue.

A recent poll by Harris Interactive found that 46 percent of the adults surveyed said they had not taken any action to plan for care or companionship for an elderly relative, even though they believe they will have to start providing it within the next five years.

Of those surveyed, 76 percent had not spoken with other family members about this topic and 70 percent had not directly spoken with the elderly relative to see what his or her wishes will be.

What should you do if the person who needs the care won't talk to you about finances?

Keep trying. That's what Dan Morrison, 47, did. Morrison, who lives in Monroe, Wash., is now caring for his 68-year-old mother and his 66-year-old stepfather, both of whom are disabled.

"I made an abject pest of myself for two years to both of them until the day we sat in the lobby of their credit union with their attorney and put the finishing touches on their wills, durable powers of attorney, community property agreement and healthcare directives," Morrison wrote to me. "Then and only then did I feel armed to correctly and legally manage their affairs or at least the ones they couldn't."

To help you with this all-important financial discussion, I asked the experts at AARP for some tips. Here's what they offered.

Talk early and talk often.

"Of all the areas of discussion in caregiving, talking about finances is the most difficult to have," said Elinor Ginzler, AARP's manager for independent living and long-term care.

Here's a conversation opening that Ginzler recommends: "You could say, 'Mom ... if it comes to a point in time that you need assistance, it's my job to take care of you in the way you want and the only way I can do that is for you to share with me."

Offer a helping hand.

Rather than a heavy-handed approach to your parents' finances, respect how they want to handle their finances, said Mary Jo Gibson, senior policy adviser with AARP's Public Policy Institute. For example, if your elderly father wants to pay bills the day they arrive in the mail, let him have it his way. Your job is to be a consultant, not a dictator.

Of course, there may come a time when you have to take control completely, Gibson said, but until then be mindful of your parents' need to remain independent and in control of their own money.

Get help if you need it.

There is a growing network of professionals who can assist you in managing your parents' care. AARP is a good place to find information about such services.

Go to www.aarp.org and click on the link for "Care and Family," then "Caregiving."

There's also the Eldercare Locator (www.eldercare.gov or (800) 677-1116). This is a nationwide service set up by U.S. Administration on Aging.

Ginzler also recommends the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers at www.caremanager.org or (520) 881-8008.