KISSES AND MISSES
Keeping past secret builds wall of defensiveness, mistrust

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

•	Honesty is such a lonely word 'Fessing up isn't all it's cracked up to be, says one man whose confession made him look like he couldn't be trusted. Did he do the right thing? Let him know by voting online.

That's at the heart of this week's saga. A Pearl City man who wondered if we'd even print his letter because he's gay wrote that "mainstream society chooses to stigmatize homosexuality and make their matters of the heart less deserving of their straight counterparts."

However, his kind of heartache doesn't discriminate.

Dear Tanya: I'm a gay man in my upper 20s, and my live-in partner of more than a year just turned 21. Part of our drama is that my reluctance to talk about things I did in my past keeps coming between us. There are things I don't want to disclose to him, or anyone for that matter.

My thought is, who and what I did in the past is none of his business. I can see if mistakes I made could in some way physically harm him, but there's nothing of that nature. It is mostly him wanting to know who I dated, what we did, and things like that. When we get into arguments, he chooses to walk out the door and run away. I let him, and feel that if he wants to walk out, I'm not going to make him stay. He argues that I don't "fight for us" by chasing after him.

The other thing coming between us is his reluctance to bring me around his friends (gay and straight) because he thinks his friends and I have nothing in common and he's saving me the embarrassment. Even though all his friends know he's in a gay relationship and is living with me, he won't give me the benefit of the doubt that I am a sociable person and I get along great with all types of people. In the past 13 months, I can count how many times we have gone to the movies AND out to eat on one hand. It's like this relationship is limited to just our residence.

Sometimes his words sting, and I feel so put on the defensive that I'm thinking about trying to emotionally let go of him. At this point, I don't know what else to do. I try to provide a good life for the both of us. I take care of the bills, sometimes his, and I ask for nothing back. I'm trying to build a life for our future, but I'm scared that I've invested so much for nothing. In my heart, I love him. And if love is blind, can it be that I'm very blinded?

Once I banish Billy Joel's "Honesty" lyrics from my mind, I'll get to your answer ...

OK. Most people have a healthy interest in their partner's past. Could be that your guy just wants to know more about you and see how he measures up against the people who came before him. I can see why he'd be worried if he thought you were hiding something. What's the big secret? He may be assuming it's worse than it is.

In my book, being in an intimate relationship means your partner deserves to know a few intimate details. And I think there's a way to explain what's made you who you are and satisfy your partner's curiosities without naming every single person you've been with or recounting every little particular.

But I sense you've asked yourself whether it's worth it to expose your vulnerabilities and invest more in this relationship — and decided it would be better to keep your past to yourself. Fair enough.

It sounds as if your partner has just as much of a problem with honesty if he refuses to be your boyfriend in front of his friends. You shouldn't have to live your life behind closed doors. Your partner may be out of the closet, but that doesn't mean he's over his insecurities about himself and about you.

The things you're not talking about could be what's blinding both of you. If each side is too stubborn or scared to take off the blindfolds, that leaves your relationship disappearing in the dark.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Send your tales, worries and woes to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com; or fax 525-8055. Letters may be used in columns. Please include your neighborhood and daytime phone number.