KISSES AND MISSES
Wanting an addict back points to another kind of addiction

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

•	Left her heart here A frequent visitor to Honolulu is hooked on a local guy. Is she coming off as too desperate? You decide by voting in our poll.

But I still love him. I want my family together. Whenever I bring up working things out, he says he's never coming back to me. When we see each other face to face, he's kind of distant but close. He tries to put on a hard face, but the minute I tell him I miss him, he smiles and gives me a different vibe, like a reconnection.

What do you think?

I think your definition of "over" is miles away from his.

And therein lies your problem.

You gave him an ultimatum and he called your bluff.

If you say, "I want to work things out," and he says, "I'm never coming back," that's one indication it's over.

If this happens repeatedly, that's another indication it's over.

If words out of his mouth resemble "It's over," consider it further evidence.

Once those words start to register and sink in, you'll begin to believe it yourself.

Dealing with a breakup is like grieving a death. You've heard of the stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Looks like you're deep in denial.

What makes it even more complicated is the mention of his substance-abuse problem. It frustrated you enough to ask him to move out. What's changed? If you are feeling responsible for solving his problems, that could be making it harder for you to live by the healthy boundaries you tried to set. Consider seeking professional help.

It's noble to want to keep your family together.

But it's unrealistic to think someone who's distant, puts on a "hard face" and says he's never coming back is going to change his ways and make amends.

Remember the reasons you split up in the first place before wishing him back. Put yourself and your children first — or risk ending up in a situation where you're giving everything to a person who gives nothing back.

It takes two to work it out, and if he's unwilling, you can't fix it.

He's not the only one with an addiction to break. You need to end yours to him.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Send your tales, worries and woes to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; kissesand misses@honoluluadvertiser.com; or fax 525-8055. Letters may be used in columns. Please include your neighborhood and daytime phone number.