Defining moments of military separation

By Mary Kaye Ritz
Advertiser Religion & Ethics Writer

Mary Chun of Maui turned far inward when Henry, her husband, was activated for duty with the Army.

Being the wife of a reservist has its own challenges. While he hasn't deployed yet, Sgt. Henry Chun has been based on O'ahu since January, and since then, Mary Chun has only seen her husband for one long weekend over Valentine's Day and a week this month.

"We're steeling ourselves up for this," said the teacher for Hawaii Job Corps. "It's not easy."

The military has conducted studies tracking how families cope in deployments.

According to an Army military study on "The Emotional Cycle of Deployment: A Military Family Perspective," families have experienced the emotional trauma of deployment on an unprecedented scale since the end of Desert Storm.

The authors identified five stages in deployments that last six months or longer: pre-deployment, deployment, sustainment, re-deployment and post-deployment.

Each stage has specific emotional challenges. Pre-deployment, for example, tends to find soldiers and families alternating between denial and anticipation of loss.

What can happen, said Schofield Barracks installation chaplin

Col. James Griffith, is mixed messages: The spouse likely wants to spend more time together, but the soldier is focusing on the mission and beginning to disengage.

The family is also coping with departure preparations: writing wills, getting finances in order, finishing home repairs. Add the desire to stay intimate, to plan for family time, and what happens?

A major argument crops up.

"Any hidden weakness in the relationship is going to come up," said Griffith.

Mary Chun had braced for that: Her brother had written a letter that she dispersed to other wives in her Family Readiness Group.

"The likelihood is so there, because you need an emotional reason to go with the mental reason," she said. "You have to make a choice to not fight, because you'll realize how small it is in the scheme of things. Sometimes, I want to just chew him out, but you can't."

The Bucks saw that happen in their earlier deployments, said 31-year-old Cheyanne Buck, whose husband is in Iraq.

After 11 years of marriage and four extended deployments, Buck knew what to do. Eat.

They went to a lot of restaurants.

"He'd say, 'I don't get to have this for a long time!'" she said. "I ate more Anna Miller pie in those last few weeks than I ever had before."

Now in the midst of the deployment, she's moved into the next emotional phase, and is dealing with the mixed emotions that Army chaplains know are common.

"Some military spouses report feeling disoriented and overwhelmed," according to the military's report. "Others may feel relieved that they no longer have to appear brave and strong. There may be residual anger at tasks left undone. The soldier's departure creates a 'hole,' which can lead to feelings of numbness, sadness, being alone, or abandonment."

Buck admits to such feelings. She is having a hard time sleeping, she said. The overwhelming loneliness hits hardest late at night, when the pillows she's piled into the bed next to her don't really substitute for her husband.

"It's hard," she admitted. "You can't call somebody at midnight."

But thanks to keeping busy with new groups and her son's activities, Buck is moving into the third phase, called "sustainment." It's a period when new routines have been established and sources of support discovered. She's said she's feeling more in control, more independent, more confident.

It's helped that Buck found a car expert in the neighborhood who showed her how to refill the windshield washer fluid.

Over the phone, Mary Chun talks about finding comfort in numbers, connecting with the other reservists' wives.

"We really count on each other for support," she said. "I met one wife a month ago, who said, 'I'm praying selfish prayers.' I said, 'Me, too.' You do."

Her voice started cracking, and for a woman who created a T-shirt that says "I'm OK, just don't ask," it's apparent the shell is breaking.

Don't try to tell her nothing's wrong with selfish prayers.

"When you're not used to praying prayers like that, you think there is," she said, swallowing back her tears.

The chaplain corps becomes the busiest in the fourth phase of re-deployment, when people are anticipating the homecoming.

This is when Griffith holds the first of two classes on suicide prevention and a class on marital expectations. He also discusses reunion dynamics, since family patterns that were working before the deployment may have changed.

The homecoming training is key, said Mel Kinoshita, Army community service mobilization/deployment specialist. "Preparation helps decrease stress," he said.

Children may be facing their own set of reactions, said Kinoshita. "... We'd like to see parents take advantage (of the training) before things happen."

As for post-deployment, after a honeymoon period, soldiers and their spouses may feel close physically but not necessarily emotionally. They may need to renegotiate roles. This can lead to tensions when a soldier may want to take back all the responsibilities he or she had before, "however, some things have changed in their absence," notes the military report. "Spouses are more autonomous, children have grown and individual priorities may be different."

This, the report notes, is probably the most important stage for both soldier and spouse, and "patient communication, going slow, lowering expectations and taking time to get to know each other again is critical."