KISSES AND MISSES
Make time to be together when physical relationship falters

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

I've tried talking to him about it, yet we still don't understand each other. He complains about being tired coming home from work and he thinks staying home with our son is easy. He says he wants to have sex but ends up snoring. I have the urge to have an affair with another man, but what's stopping me is I don't want to hurt my family. I'm only human; I have needs to be met, and they aren't being met in our relationship. The last argument we had was a horrible one in front of our son. I feel like I'm going crazy because he's blind to the problems right in front of him. Our relationship is falling apart. Can it be saved?

— LOST THAT LOVIN' FEELING

Feeling the Big Chill? If it's any consolation, the problem is more common than you think. Whether it's the ebb and flow of passion or the stress of jobs and children, lots of couples experience the drought otherwise known as being "too tired for sex."

The problem is so prevalent, Newsweek magazine reported in a cover story last summer, that some psychologists estimate 15 to 20 percent of American couples have sex no more than 10 times a year.

So, you could consider your sex-starved situation a phase of life that happens in plenty of committed relationships, even young couples, and especially after children come along. To a certain extent, you have no choice but to suck it up and deal with it as part of the change that goes along with being the busy mother of a toddler. But there are ways to keep the dry season from lasting all year.

First off, ditch the fantasy of having an affair. That is never the answer. It would only create more problems, and I think you know that.

Second, consider deeper-rooted symptoms of your doldrums. Are there family problems, financial difficulties, depression or other health issues going on here? If so, you can't ignore them any longer.

Maybe it's a communication thing and you just need to talk about your need to feel loved and attractive.

Third, it would be nice to think that sex is something natural that just happens between two people who love each other. But if you're not getting it on, here's my advice: Spontaneity is overrated.

I'm not saying lose the romance. I'm all for leaving love notes, lighting candles and holding hands.

I'm saying hire a baby sitter and make time for each other. Spend a weekend together and actually pay attention to your partner. Set times for each other. Make love in the morning if you're too tired at the end of the day. Write it on the calendar if you have to.

If all you do is complain instead of making your love life a priority, it will only only breed negative feelings that will pull you even farther apart.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com; or fax 525-8055.