Being there for your teen and other advice for parents
Gannett News Service
Staying involved in their kids' lives and monitoring what they're up to is integral to teen success, many adults say.
Gannett News Service
That can run the gamut from setting curfews and chauffeuring them to their sports games to knowing the individuals they're hanging out with and talking to their teachers. Sometimes it's dealing with the attitude that rears its head when talking to the kids.
Nancy Attey, left, talks with daughter Christine, 14, over after-school nachos in their Des Moines, Iowa, home. Nancy Attey tries to know where her children are and who they're with.
How much slack do you give your kids so they can have their independence? How do you know when to rein them in?
There are some general principles that can help. Here are five.
Rule 1: Be there
Sometimes teens are ready to talk when parents aren't.
When that happens, parents need to make time for their kids.
That can be late at night, when they're eating or when you're in the car, says Tamra Jurgemeyer, a child- and family-therapy and counseling supervisor.
Make sure you give them your undivided attention, Jurgemeyer emphasizes. Ask kids about their day and how they're feeling. Pay attention to the emotion behind their words.
Spend time just hanging out with your kids, experts urge — not criticizing, not lecturing, not passing judgment. Find out what they're into, what their likes and dislikes are.
Try this: Pick a night where you agree that both of you, for half an hour, will listen to each other's music, suggests Peter Scales, a developmental psychologist with Minneapolis-based Search Institute.
Don't focus on the lyrics or ban kids from listening to the music if you don't like it, Scales says. "This is not to pass judgment, not to have a consequence."
Watch a movie, play basketball or go shopping, suggests Joseph Allen, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia. "It's friendly time, where you're not acting as much in the parent role."
This is laying the foundation for the future relationship with your child, Allen says.
Rule 2: You can say no
Parents are afraid that if they tell a kid no, they'll lose their child's love and respect, says mental health and substance abuse recovery counselor Janice Lane says.
"It's OK to say no," Lane says. "Sometimes they (parents) break down because they want their kids to fit in and have fun."
Some parents believe experimenting with alcohol and marijuana is a normal rite of passage for teenagers, Lane says. But she thinks they underestimate the severity of problems those substances can cause.
Sometimes parents give children too much responsibility too soon with things like credit cards, she says.
"But the bottom line is, you are the parent and you are responsible."
Try this: When setting rules for curfew, parents should ask their teens what they think is a fair punishment if they come home late.
Scales says many kids want boundaries, but they want them to be relatively flexible and negotiable.
Rule 3: Share your values
Want to engage a nonengaging teen? Want to know what's in your kid's head?
Parents should feel they can use their values as a template to talk openly with their kids, says Julia Davis, a senior program officer at the Kaiser Family Foundation.
She said most kids do care what their parents think when it comes to relationships, drugs and sex.
A 2002 survey by the Kaiser Family Foundation and Seventeen magazine found that 79 percent of teens said their parents had some influence on their decisions about relationships and the question of when to become sexually active.
Parents are still one of the top sources for information on sex, Davis says.
A variety of research has shown that kids who have ongoing communication with their parents are less likely to have unintended pregnancies and be sexually active, she says, and that those teens who do have sex are more likely to use protection.
Rule 4: Keep them busy
Research suggests that middle-schoolers who spend 10 hours or more each week alone after school are at higher risk for early sexual experiences, drug use and school failure than those who are productive during that time, says Scales.
Sometimes, parents expect adult behavior out of teens, says Hall at the University of Iowa's College of Medicine. But kids at that age haven't mentally matured: "The adolescent brain is not fully developed until 20 to 23."
Scales says that what appears to be impulsivity on the part of teens is, in many respects, also part of their psychological makeup. They don't have experience making decisions, and they need to experiment.
"The reality is they make decisions sometimes on emotional or highly charged issues — like sexuality, or giving in to peer pressure on drinking or drugs — because those are things that they haven't had a chance to experience," Scales says.
Rule 5: Hang in there
Adolescence is a time of negotiation between parents and teens, said Scales, a senior fellow in the Search Institute's Office of the President.
"The only easy answer is commitment to the ongoing negotiation, the ongoing demonstration of your love and support of your child in the face of numerous reasons not to," Scales says.
Try this: Know what your kids are taking in school and ask about their homework, says Hall.
"Over half the parents don't know what their kids are taking in school," Hall says of the parents he sees.
