KISSES AND MISSES
Ex-partner wants to confront lying cheat who sleeps around

By Tanya Bricking Leach

Dear Tanya: I recently had a sexual encounter with someone I see in my social circle on a regular basis. I became pregnant, and he completely ignored the situation and wanted nothing to do with me. Although I was very hurt, I was not interested in forming a relationship with him but would have expected some emotional support.

I also found out that while we were together he was very much in a relationship and lied to me about being single. In addition, I found out he has been having affairs with other women.

Besides being angry at his offensive behavior toward me, it concerns me that he sleeps around without using protection. I constantly think of all the other girls he's been with and how horrible it is that he cares so little about putting them at risk. How should I approach him about his behavior?

— HURT IN HONOLULU

Exacting revenge against a skirt-chasing ex is always a good fantasy.

One tempting scenario involves posting his picture and details of his indiscretions in a public forum such as the Internet site cheatinglovers.com, invented for just such a purpose.

Another dream sequence involves you making some room in your life for a little Lorena Bobbitt humor.

Or maybe you imagine yourself reeling him back in, and just as he starts to make a move, you "accidentally" knee him where it hurts and come up with fantastic comebacks to his excuses as you let him have it about what a jerk he is.

Fun to think about, but maybe not so practical as advice goes.

So, what should you really do about a lying cheat who sleeps around without using protection?

Venting about it might make you feel better.

But to whom do you vent? Him? The other women he's sleeping with? Your circle of friends?

The answer depends on your priority.

If it's important to you to show him that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, don't just confront him. Let your friends and his other lovers all in on what happened. It's a morality tale, really: Sleep with a cad, and look what happens.

If your goal is singular, and you just want to lash out at him, do so knowing that it's likely to change nothing about his behavior. But, for your own self-esteem, it might not hurt to get a few things off your chest. You just have to choose your words and your timing carefully and have no expectations about how he'll react. This is the option to pick if you have a growing list of things you want to say to him and feel like you can't move on until you release everything you have pent up. You can also do this in letter form and write it all out, even if you never send the letter.

If this is really about your ex putting other women at risk with his promiscuous behavior, all you can really do about that is get yourself checked out and make sure you're healthy and disease-free. You can't help whether he practices safe sex. You could let the other women know they could be at risk if your priority is raising the red flag about sexual diseases. (Are you sure, though, that you know for sure that he's sleeping around and not using protection?)

Or, if your goal is to keep your friends, make sure they're good ones. Do you really want to hang out daily with a group that includes your ex? Do your friends even know what happened? Would explaining the situation to them make you feel less ostracized, or would it seem as if you were only out to make your ex look bad?

So, it comes down to this: The question is not so much how to approach your ex about his behavior. It's how to deal with moving beyond him. You are not in charge of his behavior. You're in charge of yours.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com; or fax 525-8055.