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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Friday, May 28, 2004

KISSES AND MISSES
Cruel breakup left her wondering what's wrong with him

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

 •  Getting on with it

How soon is too soon to begin dating someone new after a breakup? You be the judge in our online poll.

Dear Tanya: Although my story is about a man, I am not targeting just men, but people in general.

I just wanted your feedback on this. I was engaged to a wonderful man (or so I thought). He said and did the right things, and we got along really well. Well, literally one day he changed, as if the wind just blew all that was good away and he suddenly had amnesia. I decided to really talk things through and be patient. People are so quick to dissolve relationships without really "working at it."

Eventually, we broke up. To make the long story short, he manipulated the whole thing and made it seem like it was all my fault. He played all kinds of roles, from an empty soul-searching for fulfillment to someone who called me names for befriending his buddies. He'd go nuts. One minute, we were in love and getting along. The next minute, he couldn't stand my face. The next minute, he'd call to apologize. The next minute, he'd want to have sex. The next minute, he'd call the cops on me. When I couldn't take any more, I decided to leave.

It's been seven months since this whole thing started. I have learned a lot. I'm glad he never got the best of me — my spirit — although I felt he killed me one too many times. But how can people live without a conscience? He is adamant he has done nothing wrong. I feel like I left with dignity and composure, and I'm over him, but I still wonder.

— CALM, COOL AND CONFUSED

I'm not a doctor, so this certainly is no medical diagnosis. I'm just telling you exactly what I'd say if you were one of my girlfriends: He sounds bipolar. Manic depression could certainly cause someone to have severe mood swings and act the way you describe.

What you went through sounds tough, but I'm not going to beat up your ex for something I know little about. This isn't really about diagnosing him.

As one of my girlfriends likes to say, "Clean up your own side of the street."

You can find all the friends in the world to support you and bash him, and that can make you feel a little better. But the blame game isn't going to get you very far.

If you really want to get over him (and it sounds as if you're still trying), you can't focus on him anymore. Focus on yourself.

You've vented and let it out. Months have passed and you need to change gears. You say this man didn't get the best of your spirit. Good. So stop acting like a martyr. Go out and reclaim your life.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com; or fax 525-8055.