Posted on: Monday, November 1, 2004

ABOUT MEN

By Mike Gordon
Advertiser Staff Writer

I know a guy who just bought his wife a car for her birthday.

Thanks, buddy. On behalf of the fraternity of men, I need to tell you this smacks of betrayal.

What were you thinking? How on Earth are the rest of us going to keep up? The bar is too high.

Nothing will ever be the same.

Mrs. G. has spoken of this car often. It's a convertible. It's got leather seats. It's a B-M-W, she says, emphasizing each letter like a cheerleader.

Most women have rational expectations when it comes to the gifts men give them. Over the years, I've learned, Mrs. G. doesn't expect much from me.

She explained why her friend received a car. The previous one — a station wagon, actually — was 13 years old and the air conditioner was broken. And her friend deserved this after decades as a devoted mate.

When Mrs. G. told me this, I hiked a thumb toward the garage and said: Have you seen my '93 clunker, the one with an AC that bakes you alive?

Women are hard to understand, even on a good day. But when it comes to buying them gifts, men face a fate equal to the stone Sisyphus was condemned to push uphill forever.

But it's not about the size of the gift, Mrs. G. continued. Suddenly, her friend's car took a back seat to the way in which it was given.

This was a surprise, a birthday mystery with a big red bow on the hood, she said. I had to admit those were nice touches. I wondered why I hadn't thought of them.

I asked: What about the sewing machine I got you last Christmas? That was a surprise.

Her response: You made me fill out the loan papers.

OK, so how about that blue rock-thing on your finger, I said. Weren't you surprised?

Her "yes" came with a little asterisk on it: Only surprised you paid attention to me when I told you about the jewelry sale, she said. And surprised when you called me from the store and asked me to pick a ring over the phone, she added.

Well, she had a point there. It was just that I was afraid of making another gift mistake.

Maybe a big red bow would have helped. Oh, the mystery of it all.

Every husband dreams of being able to engineer the perfect surprise for his wife — and being able to pay for it.

Most of us are practical, easy-going. We remember birthdays, anniversaries, stuff like that.

We know earrings are always better gifts than kitchen appliances, and that clothing is off-limits.

And we know we're not supposed to outdo each other, especially with a car.

But this whole car thing is going to backfire. Right about this time next year, someone is going to ask my friend: So how did you top the Beamer?

I know what he'll say: Thanks, buddy.

Reach Mike Gordon at 525-8012 or mgordon@honoluluadvertiser.com.