Posted on: Sunday, November 7, 2004

Finding feminism through love of a daughter

By Michael C. DeMattos

My daughter has a list of potential careers longer than the drive-through at McDonald's. But as opposed to the way she might view a menu, she does not want to choose between entrées. In fact, she has made it clear that she intends instead to pursue all these professions in succession. A hefty order for sure, but I believe in dreams, especially hers.

I became a feminist the day my daughter was born.

No, not the bra-burning variety of feminist from the '60s. That day has long since passed and, besides, I do not actually wear a bra, though if I keep to my current see-food-then-eat-it diet, I may need one.

Still, I am a feminist nonetheless, committed to leveling the playing field and making sure all of our kids have the same opportunities regardless of gender, orientation, age or ethnicity.

As with of my endeavors, I was rather late to the feminist movement. By the time my wife and I were married, she was already well established as an educator. She had completed her bachelor's degree and was pursuing graduate studies while directing a small preschool. I did not give any thought to the many hurdles she may have encountered along the way. I definitely never thought that some of those hurdles might have been there for women, but not for men.

I also had my career. I became a social worker and committed myself to a life of helping others. In my case, helping took the form of family counseling, and I did it for a number of years in a variety of settings. Social work is a challenging and difficult profession that requires smarts, sensitivity and an unwavering value system. That other social workers consider me worthy of their company is a miracle. Social work is widely considered a feminine profession, and for the past 20 years I have been surrounded by some of the strongest and smartest women on the planet.

Still, I was not in active conversations about power distribution, opportunity and societal expectations. That all changed the day my daughter was born. Like many parents, I sat with my infant daughter in my arms and dreamed a future full of possibilities. They were my dreams, I know, but one day she would have dreams of her own. And I began to wonder: Would society dictate what she could and could not accomplish? Would her gender also define her opportunities?

I committed myself in that moment to helping her in any way I could; not through helping her overcome the hurdles that society put in front of her, but by taking those hurdles down.

I hear stories about successful women, and they all start the same: "She is a great boss and she is a wahine!" Or, "She plays really good for a girl."

Yes, it is important to recognize the successful women in our society, but I also realize that we do not say, "He is a great boss and he is a man!" Or, "He plays really good for a guy."

OK, that's not entirely true — in both early education and social work we marvel at the great job men do, but this is because there are so few in the profession. A good feminist, however, is not about limitations; he or she must be about opportuni-

ties. And so I believe that we also need to see more opportunities for men where historically there have not been.

Until the day comes when we do not need to qualify someone's performance by identifying his or her gender, orientation, age or ethnicity, my job will not be over.

I may retire from the field, but I will never retire from the cause.

Family therapist Michael C. DeMattos has a master's degree in social work.