Living 'ohana

By Zenaida Serrano
Advertiser Staff Writer

As Stephen and Melissa Tangalin of Kekaha, Kaua'i, waited at Honolulu International Airport for a connecting flight to Seattle last month, they pondered the reason for their much-deserved getaway. "We have a baby sitter," they finally chimed.

Child & Family Service named the Tangalins of Kekaha, Kaua'i, its 2004 'Ohana of the Year. The family comprises three children born to Stephen and Melissa Tangalin; five adopted children; and a foster child. Bottom row, from left: Casey, 10; Joseph, 8; Christian, 12; and Jonathon, 10. Middle row: Shelby, 9; Bethany, 7; and Jessica Lee, 8. Top: Jasmine, 14; parents Melissa and Stephen; and Jessica, 15. Dexter Olivas

"They've got three biological sons, five adopted kids (and one foster child), and I just think that they've worked so hard to overcome so many things and the challenges of having so many kids," said Pam Chock, a specialist with Child & Family Service's Post Permanency Service program on Kaua'i.

Child & Family Service named the Tangalins its 'Ohana of the Year — a designation that honors families who have accomplished much with help from the agency. The family, who beat four other nominees, will be recognized at a luncheon Oct. 26 at Sheraton Waikiki Hotel.

As with any family, the Tangalins experience their fair share of ups and downs. But with a large 'ohana — one in which some of the children suffer from chronic depression, learning disabilities, adjustment disorders and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, among others — the Tangalins' highs and lows are super-sized, as well.

"When we're trying to move the family from point A to point B, it's not as simple as 'Get your slippers on and get in the car,' " said Melissa, a 36-year-old homemaker. "You might run into somebody who can't find the slipper or can't find the jacket they want, and then we have meltdowns."

The trick is staying calm.

"If I'm stressed out and I'm raising my voice, then the stress level in the house goes up," she said. "So I have to plan, try to predict these things, be flexible and just go with the flow. ... It's about keeping everybody level."

Considering the Tangalins' special situation, seemingly simple, everyday accomplishments become huge rewards: for example, Melissa said, seeing their teen daughter write a letter to her biological mom or watching their youngest biological son sit on a couch and share a blanket with one of their daughters.

"It's watching those connections and knowing that even if something happens to us, all those kids who had nobody will always have somebody because they have a brother or a sister," she said as her eyes teared up.

Sibling groups

Stephen and Melissa Tangalin, together since 1990, had three sons of their own before deciding to become foster parents in 1999. For Melissa, wanting to become a foster parent came from knowing the pangs of being without loved ones.

To date, the Tangalins have fostered eight children, five of whom they've adopted. Along with their three biological sons and a foster daughter, they have a sibling group of two sisters and another sibling group of two sisters and one brother.

The Tangalins are advocates for the reunification of sibling groups separated because of placement issues.

"When something happens to your family and it all falls apart, the only thing that's familiar are your brothers and sisters, and when they're split apart, it's like a part of you is missing," Melissa said. "... Those kids need to stay together because they can work through things together and having each other is a gift."

Melissa has been an integral part of Child & Family Service's Post Permanency Service program as a parent and advocate, said Chock, a program specialist who has worked closely with the family since 2001. The program is designed to preserve the placement of adoptive children and children who are in long-term placement with a new family.

Melissa meets with the program staff monthly to provide feedback on how the services can meet the challenges of adoptive and guardian parents and regularly attends workshops and support programs, Chock said.

"She just lives the philosophy of helping children," said Kristy Liphart, program administrator at the agency's Kaua'i office. "The rest of us are working doing this, but she's living doing this."

Working together

Stephen, 37, knows to give credit where credit's due.

"I think she has the hardest job in this world," he said of his wife. " ... She's superwoman. And I also think a lot of it has to do with having faith, a lot of prayers and the ability to seek help when we need it."

But Melissa is quick to let him share the spotlight.

"He plays a very major role, too," she said. "It isn't just me. I couldn't do it by myself."

As the family provider, Stephen works full-time as a network specialist at Kaua'i Island Utility Cooperative and also does side work to make ends meet.

The monthly subsidy also helps, Melissa said. The per-child amount varies, but the base rate is $529 plus special needs and medical coverage.

"We balance and we do pretty well," she said. "The kids have whatever they need."

While the family is grateful for the recognition, the award hasn't changed much in the household.

"Family is the most important thing to me and it's just something that I do: putting my family first and doing everything to meet the needs of my family," Melissa said. "So just to be acknowledged for doing something that people should do anyways, it's a little overwhelming."

Reach Zenaida Serrano at zserrano@honoluluadvertiser.com or 535-8174.