Posted on: Tuesday, October 5, 2004

MOVIE REVIEW
'Taxi' crashes, burns

By Bill Muller
The Arizona Republic

'TAXI' PG-13 No Stars (Poor)

If Jimmy Fallon were on "Taxicab Confessions," it's easy to guess what his confession would be.

"Man, I should have never quit Saturday Night Live."

Fallon, chiefly known for giggling at his own bad jokes on "SNL," is excruciating to watch in "Taxi." He fills the blank spots in the dialogue — there are many — with banter so blithering that you wonder if someone wrote it or Fallon chirped it out on the spot.

He plays Washburn, a bumbling cop who's unable to drive or shoot straight and constantly has his badge snatched from his hand. It's not only amazing that he ever graduated from the police academy, it's amazing he ever graduated from the eighth grade.

"Taxi" (a remake of a 1998 Luc Besson movie I'm sure was way better) embraces every tired bit, ever. Washburn is teamed with a former bicycle messenger, Belle (Queen Latifah), who just started driving a cab in New York. Amazingly, they're opposites. He's a screw-up, she's calm under pressure.

He's clueless. She knows stuff.

He's white, she's black. Ebony and ivory, living in perfect idiocy. Belle must have been the highest paid bike messenger in history because she somehow can afford about $100,000 in James Bond-like modifications to her taxi.

Washburn, who loses his license for crashing a car, jumps into Belle's cab when he hears a bank robbery call. She spends what seems like 15 minutes transforming the taxi into a supercharged race car, time that could have been spent, oh, I don't know, chasing the robbers?

Jennifer Esposito ("The Master of Disguise") plays Washburn's lieutenant. Watching Esposito and Fallon act together is like rubbernecking on the highway — you know you're going to see a wreck, but you just can't look away.

Adding to the movie's off-the-charts believability factor, the gang of crooks is made up entirely of — no kidding — Brazilian supermodels. I didn't even know there were four Brazilian supermodels. The sultry robbers speed around Manhattan without ever being stopped by a traffic jam. Then again, the movie is like one long BMW commercial, so maybe that's why.

Given this film's motley collection of scenes, it's obvious the editor faced quite a job. "Taxi" is cut not with care but with desperation, as if someone were hoping the comedy fairy would add laughs when everyone was sleeping.

On the positive side, how many movies can you remember that feature a Victoria's Secret model (Gisele Bundchen) standing on a half-finished overpass, firing a pistol and yelling, "Die!" in a Portuguese accent? I wouldn't call "Taxi" over the top. More like over the edge.

Rated "PG-13" for language, sensuality and brief violence.