Posted on: Wednesday, October 13, 2004

SHAPE UP
Don't let others set your goals

By Charles Stuart Platkin

I was giving a lecture about breaking negative patterns when one man asked how to quit smoking — quite a question. My first response was, "Why do you want to quit?" He stared and said, "Isn't it obvious? My health."

He appeared to be in his early 30s, and because most people younger than 40 are less concerned about their health than those over 40, I took a stab. "OK, but are there any other reasons?"

Well, it turned out he had 2-year-old twins. He went on and on about how his boys would have a greater chance of becoming smokers if a parent smoked and about the risks of secondhand smoke.

Everyone in the room — except him — could see his real reason for quitting wasn't to improve his own health but to improve the lives of his children. He wasn't seeing the "why."

And until he was able to do that, he probably wouldn't succeed.

Find out why

How do you apply that same principle to dieting and weight loss? Let's assume you've already decided you want to be healthy and lose weight. Now suppose I ask you "Why?"

You might think the answer is obvious — just like that guy at my lecture — but many times it's not. "I've found that people often convince themselves they're losing weight for one reason when clearly it's about something else," says Richard M. Ryan, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester in New York.

If you haven't clearly defined your reason for wanting to lose weight, as soon as the going gets tough, it will be hard to convince yourself it's worth it. When it's time to battle the temptation of a fudgy, chewy brownie or some hot, salty, oh-so-good fries, you'd better be clear on your motivation.

Be autonomous

How often have you done something because someone else wanted you to — especially losing weight? We hear it from our doctors, friends, parents, spouses — so we go on a diet for the wrong reasons.

"People mouth goals that someone else has set for them — and this is not a very stable basis for personal change," adds Ryan. When someone else sets expectations for us, we often rebel. How many times have you looked at a doughnut and said, "I don't care what my husband (or wife) thinks — I'm eating that Krispy Kreme."

Make it real

To find your reward, you may need to think about what it will be like to actually lose weight. How will you feel? How will you look? If you've never been at your goal weight, it might be hard to get in touch with the feelings and benefits of being that weight. Spend time considering your end result and reward. Use self-reflection and visualization to fantasize about realistic but exciting reasons for being in shape.

Come clean

Self-honesty is no simple task. It involves "reflecting and then endorsing, not just accepting," says Ryan. "Just saying words like, 'I want to be healthier,' or, 'I want to look better,' might not be enough." Those words are too broad. You need to ask yourself probing questions — such as why you want to look better or be healthier — what does that mean to you? Does looking better mean you're more attractive to others? Don't just say the reward. Break it down and get to the roots. If looking better is what you want, investigate what it actually means to you. For example, "By looking better, I will get compliments. This will increase my motivation and confidence, and make me feel better about who I am."

This is about you

Often we feel guilty about our reward because it's not "politically correct," says Heather Patrick, a nutrition professor at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston. Our goals are OUR goals. Whether they're about fitting into some jeans or being able to strut around in a bathing suit, that's our own business. Patrick also cautions, "Be careful what you choose, because certain rewards are fleeting and will not last over the long haul." She recommends picking rewards that will keep on motivating (e.g., increased energy to be with your family). They tend to be the most powerful.

Write it down

"Create an advantage/disadvantage analysis — basically a list of all the advantages and disadvantages for losing weight and all of the advantages and disadvantages for NOT losing the weight. Create four columns," suggests Jim Afremow, a sports psychologist at Athletes' Performance in Tempe, Ariz. This allows you to define your "why" and clarify your thinking even more. Setting a goal is not enough: You have to know why you want to reach it.

Charles Stuart Platkin is a nutrition and public-health advocate. Write to info@thedietdetective.com.