Posted on: Friday, October 15, 2004
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KISSES AND MISSES
Put an end to abusive relationship
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By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Relationships Writer
Dear Tanya: I've been in a same-sex relationship for two years. Like any relationship, we have our ups and downs. We've dealt with the whole spectrum of "drama," from my lover's unfaithfulness to the little things one does that irritate the other.
There's also the issue of the "double standard," meaning I can't do things, say things or go places that my lover can. If, by chance, my partner says it's "OK to go," I'll get a phone call later telling me to come home, even if my lover is out having fun. Or my partner will speak to me with a "punky attitude," but the minute I speak back, my partner wants to physically fight.
When things are going good, it's really good. But when there's an argument, things are really bad. Things get worse if my partner has been drinking. There has been, on a couple occasions, physical abuse, property damage and threats. I've thought at times about getting a temporary restraining order, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
We agree we are different people. We have nothing in common and sometimes can't compromise. But I still find myself not wanting to be with anyone else. I was raised to be strong and take care of myself. I can't figure out why I continue to let my partner treat me this way. I've told my lover I would like things to change if we continue to be together. I'm scared things won't change. After our most recent argument, I mentioned us going to couples' counseling and perhaps anger management. My partner was willing, but now it's out of the question as my lover thinks we don't need it and that I'm the cause of our fights and anger. I just don't know what to do or say anymore.
— TORN UP LOVER
A gay teen has a crush on a high school classmate. He wants to know whether he should ask his crush out. Have your say with your vote in our online poll. The adjective that describes your relationship is not that it's "same sex" — it's that it's abusive.
And abuse is inexcusable.
It's like being in a closet within a closet, suffering in silence with a partner who wants power and control over your relationship.
Before you do anything, call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 841-0822 and talk to a professional about what to do before you try to leave your lover.
National statistics on domestic violence in the gay and lesbian community are scarce because it's so underreported. Informal surveys indicate at least one in four gays or lesbians has experienced domestic violence.
Don't be a victim any longer. Get help and get out.
Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
Say goodbye.
Ask him out?
