Posted on: Tuesday, September 7, 2004

PARENT POWER
Sometimes parents' best effort won't solve problem

By John Rosemond

Q. Our daughter is in the 8th grade at a magnet school for gifted and talented students. Over the three years she's been there, her grades have gone from A's to C's and D's, with more than a few F's. She is always on restriction but seems motivated by nothing. When we talk to her about the problem, she has no answers. Should we continue restricting her? Move her back to our neighborhood school? Have her tested? We are desperate for help!

A. In my book "Teen-Proofing," I point out something all parents need to understand: You can respond properly to a problem you're having with a child — a problem the child can obviously control — and the child's behavior may still not change. That's just another way of saying, "A child has a mind of his/her own."

Your daughter has a problem she can control. You've done all the right things. She still has the problem. In fact, it's getting worse.

Therefore, you probably need to accept that in this case, you are powerless.

If your daughter had a learning problem, it's unlikely she would have ever been identified as gifted and talented. Therefore, I think having her tested will probably be a waste of money, but if it makes you feel more comfortable, then by all means have it done.

Yes, I'd move her back to the neighborhood school. She's taking up space in the magnet school that another child could benefit from. And yes, I'd continue her restriction. In a situation of this sort, I don't look upon restriction as "punishment." Rather, I see it as a lesson in how the real world works; to wit, if you don't accept your responsibilities, then you are going to be, in effect, "restricted." I'd tell your daughter that you don't like restricting her, but it would be unfair to do otherwise.

Stop trying to "counsel" her out of the problem. If she wants to talk to you about it, fine. Otherwise, stop wasting your breath.

Something I've noticed over the years is that quite often, when parents stop agonizing over a problem, when they accept their powerlessness, the problem begins to improve. It doesn't happen that way every time, mind you, but often enough for you to give it a good college try.

Q. Our 7-year-old daughter is absolutely terrified of thunder and lightning. When a storm comes up, she becomes hysterical. We've talked, explained and comforted, but nothing seems to work. Suggestions?

A. First, I'd suggest you read, or re-read, my answer to the previous question. Like those parents, you've done all the right things, and nothing has changed. Now it's time to hand the problem — 100 percent of it — over to your daughter.

When my daughter, Amy — now a 32-year-old mother of three — was your daughter's age, she also was terrified of thunder and lightning. She became hysterical when storms came up. She'd run around the house, screaming at the top of her lungs while the rest of us went about our business. (Amy's penchant for drama persists to this day, albeit it is much more controlled and has morphed into a wonderful sense of humor.)

What ultimately "solved" the problem was telling her we understood her fright but could not allow her to be the center of attention during a storm. When she felt terrified by a storm, we said, she had to go into a closet or under her bed and stay there until the storm passed. In the meantime, she could scream all she wanted.

Out of the public eye, the problem vanished in no time.

John Rosemond is a family psychologist. Reach him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 E. 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 or www.rosemond.com.