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The Honolulu Advertiser

Posted on: Friday, September 17, 2004

KISSES AND MISSES
Forgive yourself, not girlfriend

 •  More advice columns

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Relationships Writer

Dear Tanya: My girlfriend of five years recently stopped talking to me. The last time I saw her, we were having a good time and everything seemed all right. We both went to work, and she didn't come home that night. We both have jobs that require us to be friendly and flirty, and we meet all kinds of people. Because of this, I'm wondering is if I should stay in love with this girl. For her to not answer my calls and disappear for days at a time is very unusual. All I would like her to do is to tell me what's going on or that we're done or that she moved on. It's been three weeks since we spoke. I feel like I lost my best friend as well as my girlfriend. What should I do? Should I wait for her to call me or should I just move on?

— Wondering in Wahiawa

The ex revisited

A woman had a fling with her ex. Now he wants to be friends with benefits, and she's wondering whether to wait for more or break it off. What should she do? Vote in our weekly poll.

Assuming she's not on the Police Department's missing persons' list (or most wanted list, for that matter), what you have here sounds like a classic case of someone taking the Wimp's Way Out of a relationship.

Instead of breaking up, someone following this classic passive-aggressive WWO philosophy leaves her lover wondering whether she met someone else, got tired of the relationship or is leading some super-secret double life.

The worst thing you can do is be forgiving to a fault, because you don't want this pattern to continue. Just the idea of having a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach every time your girlfriend is late coming home could be enough to make you want to rid yourself of fears that she'd take off again.

Oh, if only you could turn love on and off like a light switch. That would be easy. But that's not the way it works.

Without knowing the specifics, I can only say that you can't blame yourself for being left in the dark.

You sound as if you love and miss her so much that maybe you'd take her back no matter what.

The thing is, when someone takes off, there's no one left for you to forgive. Explanations may be too little, too late.

So forgive yourself for putting yourself first.

Either people commit to a relationship or they don't.

If your girlfriend takes off, you can't make her come back.

And maybe you can't fix whatever's wrong.

So forgive yourself for moving on.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.