Posted on: Friday, September 24, 2004
KISSES AND MISSES
He moved on, and so should you
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By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Relationships Writer
Dear Tanya: At 32, I began seeing a colleague. We were each other's critics and cheerleaders, sharing dreams, pastimes and passions.
After three years I believed I'd finally found the one to go through life with. But he kept saying he needed more financial and career security and couldn't think about cementing anything yet. Because he lives with his parents (to save money) and split himself between home and long stints at work, I resigned myself to seeing him when he had time. Then he initiated a separation nine months ago, citing "irreconcilable" personality conflicts stemming from our different family and ethnic backgrounds. I proposed couples' counseling, but he declined. He told me he couldn't be with anyone yet.
We continued to be best friends with "benefits," until suddenly, he started seeing a woman he met on the Internet. After all these months and therapy, I haven't gotten over the devastation. What hurts most is that he has been much more giving of himself and accommodating to her. What about her is so magical that he would adjust his deeply ingrained habits?
Because we cannot stop interacting, I've maintained our close collegial bond. Every time we're together, we enjoy the same amazing chemistry, minus the romance. Despite putting up a fun and sweet front, I am crying inside. I wonder if only a new relationship will cure me of this attachment, yet the attachment prevents me from falling for anyone else. How do I let go?
— HEARTBROKEN FOREVER?
But how can this guy really be the man of your dreams if he's not captivated by you in return? The only thing that matters about the other woman is that she is his girlfriend now. You are the ex.
Don't settle for second string. Instead, break your attachment and stop acting like everything's hunky-dory. You don't have what you once did, and trying to recapture it in a one-sided way will only set you up for disappointment.
If the only man you're interested in to fulfill all of your dreams is at work, maybe you are looking in the wrong place. Cast your net in another direction to truly find fulfillment.
To let him go, you have to really decide to let go by pushing yourself past him. It's time to stop hanging on.
Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
It's natural for you to wonder what the other woman has that you don't. Maybe she just has better timing.
The problem: Cheap date
A woman is sick of paying her date's way. Should she ask to be reimbursed, take the loss, blow him off or tell him off? Have your say in our weekly poll at honoluluadvertiser.com.
