Posted on: Tuesday, September 28, 2004
PARENT POWER
'Tickets' keeps kids under control
By John Rosemond
Q. Inevitably, when we take our 4-year-old into a store or restaurant, he begins misbehaving. How do you discipline a child when the eyes of the world are upon you?
A. The sticky problem of controlling a youngster in public places is one parents can un-stick by using a simple method I call "Tickets."
Without knowing the specifics of your particular problem, let's just say your 4-year-old has difficulty containing his excitement in stores. He darts away from you without warning, wants to handle everything he sees, and interrupts you when you are talking to another adult — typical 4-year-old stuff, actually.
Before your next perilous trek to a store or shopping center, cut three ticket-sized rectangles out of poster-board and draw a "smiley face" on each. Just before entering the store, review the rules with your son. Tell him to (1) walk with you and stay with you at all times, (2) ask permission before touching something, and (3) not interrupt you when you are talking with someone else (For a child this age, keep it to no more than three rules!).
Hand over the tickets and say, "These three tickets are going to help you remember the rules. Every time you break one of the rules, I'm going to take a ticket away from you. When we get home, you must have at least one ticket left in order to go outside. If you lose all three tickets in the store, then you will be in the house with no television for the rest of the day."
Having a discipline plan enables you to keep your balance, and your cool, when a problem occurs. In the past, when he darted away from you in a store or put his fingers on expensive porcelain, you became instantly flustered. Now, however, you simply remind him of the rule and take a ticket. The keys to the success of such an approach are consistency (no warnings, threats, or second chances!) and a suitable incentive.
The incentive, or "carrot," can be anything your son is looking forward to doing later in the day, but again, it should be a privilege. Do not offer him a reward for behaving properly in public. Contrary to what most people think, rewards are not effective motivators. The best way to use rewards is to surprise, rather than bribe. For example, if your son is extra good in the store and keeps all, or most of, his tickets, you can (but are not obligated to) honor the achievement with a surprise ice-cream cone. But beware! Don't do this so often that he comes to expect a reward, or you just might undo what you accomplish with the tickets.
"Tickets" is a versatile system that can be used to address a fairly broad range of misbehaviors. Take sassiness, for one example. Your 6-year-old has a bad habit of talking back to you and calling you various creative names when you don't do as she commands. Using a magnetic clip, secure three to five (the actual number isn't that important) tickets to the refrigerator at the start of every day. Tell Her Impudence that every time she sasses you, she will lose a ticket. If and when she loses all three tickets on any given day, she will have to spend the rest of the day in her room and go to bed early. When you are finished with your explanation, she will undoubtedly sass you, giving you an excellent opportunity to demonstrate how the system actually works.
Disobedience, teasing the family dog, whining, you name it, "Tickets" can handle it.
The number of tickets allotted per day or situation is a judgment call, but the child should be able to "beat the system" fairly easily at first. Then, you can begin "raising the bar" by gradually lowering the number of tickets (misbehaviors) allowed per trip to the store, per day, or per whatever until the problem is eliminated altogether.
John Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at www .rosemond.com.
