Posted on: Thursday, September 30, 2004

Psychic dogs say it's Bush, by a 15% margin

By Roy Rivenburg
Los Angeles Times

The psychic dogs have projected a winner in this year's presidential race.

No need for tonight's debate. the dogs have spoken.

Or woofed, even.

Don't laugh. In previous elections, the clairvoyant canines, who are owned by Jacqueline Stallone (Sylvester's mom), have been uncannily accurate. In July 2000 they correctly predicted in a Los Angeles Times story that George W. Bush would defeat Al Gore by "a couple hundred votes."

For their next act, in August 2003 the miniature pinschers said Arnold Schwarzenegger would take California's recall race "by a major margin."

Of course, they also predicted Kobe Bryant would go to prison. But never mind that. When it comes to political prognostications, the dogs have an impressive track record.

Using super-canine mental powers, they "channel messages from the spirit world and telepathically send them to me," Mama Stallone has said. She theorizes that her dogs' unusual talent comes from sleeping on Islamic prayer rugs.

So, which candidate will win this November? Bush, by a margin of up to 15 percent, Stallone says.

But wait, there's more. In 2008, Schwarzenegger will take advantage of a future constitutional amendment that allows foreign-born citizens to run for president. His opponent will be John Edwards, says Stallone, a veteran astrologer who also practices the art of "rumpology," which is similar to palmistry but uses the imprint of a person's derriere to foretell the future.

Alas, the dogs aren't ready to call the 2008 election yet. Their crystal bowl is still a little hazy on that one, Stallone says.

But the pooches do say Iraq will be fine within two years and murder suspect Scott Peterson won't be convicted of slaying his wife, Laci.