Vague wills can fracture families

By Maureen Milford
The (Wilmington, Del.) News Journal

The division of personal property after the death of a loved one is often more explosive than the disposition of a house or money, estate lawyers and family experts said. Unlike money, property can be loaded with emotional significance and can't be divided a few ways.

"It brings out the absolute worst in people," said Peter S. Gordon, director of Gordon, Fournaris & Mammarella in Wilmington, Del., who specializes in trusts and estates. "I think, at bottom, it's really: 'Mother knew I wanted this and she wanted me to have this and she loved me more.' "

The issue has grown in importance in the past 10 years as baby boomers find themselves dealing with the death of their parents, said Marlene S. Stum, an associate professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota and author of "Who Gets Grandma's Yellow Pie Plate? Workbook: A Guide to Passing on Personal Possessions."

"Some of the stories are just unbelievable," Stum said.

With the passing of the World War II generation, which is resulting in the historic transfer of wealth to baby boomers, the situation only promises to get worse, said Dr. Alice Domar, an author and assistant professor at Harvard Medical School.

Richard C. Kiger, the court-appointed chief deputy with the New Castle (Del.) County Register of Wills, has seen many of these family feuds, and they're almost always where the estate is modest or small. One case involved a pair of red plastic children's cowboy boots and two cactuses. Another involved a small stuffed alligator and an ancient washing machine.

"The value of the item is irrelevant," Kiger said.

The outsized emotions generated by the division of personal items are often an outgrowth of the family's underlying dynamics involving power and control, said Janet C. Bechman, an extension specialist at Purdue University who has studied the issue. The division of property sometimes can be viewed as the last chance to settle an old score.

The most important thing is to discuss the inevitable breakup of the household goods before the family member dies. This can eliminate some of the assumptions parents might have about which child wants what in the house, experts said. Kay Keenan of Wilmington said that when her mother-in-law died in 2003, the family was able to minimize strife because her husband's mother had jotted down in a notebook items family members seemed to cherish.