There were days when Celita Milare came close.

Days when she couldn't take the bargaining and pleading and arguing and shouting anymore. Days when her young son would throw a tantrum in public and all those disapproving eyes seemed to turn in her direction.

So many days when reason didn't work and scolding just didn't seem like enough.

And it wasn't like Milare, who was just 18 years old when she had her first child, Chad, didn't know what she could do, what her parents would have done to her as a child.

"I wouldn't say I was abused, but I was old-school disciplined," she said. "There were no time-outs. I'd get spanked, and there would be no warning, no reasons behind it.

"I feared my parents," she said, "and that's not what I wanted for my kids."

Love made Milare swallow her pride and seek help.

Milare was working next door to Prevent Child Abuse Hawaii at the time. One day, she stopped in to see if there was something they could do to help her grow as a parent, by getting control of her situation.

At first, that was a tough decision, though Milare was brave enough to make it. "I thought it was embarrassing to have to go ask someone for parenting skills," she said. "I felt like a failure."

Yet, by learning approaches that would help her avoid abusive behavior, Milare proved she was quite the opposite.

Prevent Child Abuse Hawaii is a nonprofit organization whose very name is its mission — to promote positive parenting and healthy families as a way of preempting abusive situations.

The need is there. According to the organization, the number of confirmed child abuse cases in the state has tripled over the last 20 years. Of the 40,000-plus children believed to be abused or neglected in Hawai'i each year, only 10 percent are reported to state Child Welfare Services.

Prevent Child Abuse Hawai'i is holding its annual "Breakfast with Santa" next weekend (see box) in hopes of raising $40,000 for its programs.

No statistics prove more child abuse occurs during the holidays. Still, Prevent Child Abuse Hawaii program director Jennifer Murphy said many of the stresses that can cause parents to lash out are exacerbated by the expectations, financial pressures and rushed schedules of the season.

"It's more of an issue," she said.

Murphy stresses that physical and verbal abuse, as well as neglect, can occur at any social and economic level — and for a variety of reasons.

"It could be financial stress or unrealistic expectations of the child or a lot of other reasons," Murphy said. "Things build up and (parents) can feel overwhelmed. If they don't have the parenting skills to deal with it, it's easy to cross the line."

And that's exactly what Milare didn't want to do.

Through Prevent Child Abuse Hawaii, Milare learned that to take care of her children — Chad, 13, and Caitlyn, 9 — she had to take care of herself, as well. Now, when family tensions run high, Milare will take a few minutes to step back, calm down and consider what to do next.

Milare also learned to set boundaries for her children's behavior and to be consistent in enforcing them.

"I used to get really embarrassed and frustrated when my son used to throw tantrums at the mall," she said. "I thought I was a bad mother and I was letting him run all over me."

Milare is careful to have reasonable expectations for her kids' behavior. If they do something inappropriate, she'll let them know what that is before she resorts to punishment. She also makes it a point to recognize and reinforce good behavior.

Milare's husband, Chad Sr., works full time for an elevator company, so Milare has the kids to herself much of the time. Still, she says, her husband provides the kind of firm, consistent support she needs to maintain family rules.

The result has been a loving relationship between parents and kids that's based on mutual respect rather than fear.

"My kids and I have a much better relationship than I had with my parents growing up," Milare said.

Milare said she hurts inside when she sees parents berating or abusing their kids in public. It means a lot to her that her kids feel the same way.

"It's embedded in them that that is wrong," she said. "That makes me feel good. I feel I've done a good job."

Reach Michael Tsai at mtsai@honoluluadvertiser.com.