Posted on: Friday, February 4, 2005
 |
KISSES AND MISSES
Buddy must decide for himself
| • | More advice columns |
By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Relationships Writer
Dear Tanya: I have a situation that you might find challenging to answer.
I have a good friend who is in the most unfortunate position. He moved to the Islands with his family about six years ago.
Two years ago, his wife left him, took his kids back to the Mainland and wanted a divorce. I suppose for about a year he tried to work it out. They stayed "married" while she lived on the Mainland and he lived here. Now the wife wants to reconcile after nearly three years of being estranged. During this time, she has had a baby by another man.
My friend misses his boys and wants to be with them and watch them grow up. But he can't come to terms with the baby that's not his.
I advised him that "father" and "husband" are not the same roles and that he could divorce her and still see his boys on a regular basis.
He is afraid of hurting his boys or fostering any resentment. I told him they will grow up, and when they do they will come to understand the situation. He's totally undecided what to do. What do you think?
— A TOUGH ONE
Do you wish you had lost your virginity to someone else? If you could, would you take back that moment and change it? Have your say in our weekly relationships poll. And I thought about what I would do if I were him. But he didn't ask me.
So I will answer you instead.
It's great that you're his friend and that you're there to be his sounding board.
You obviously care about him and want the best for him. That's what friends do.
But you have to let him deal with this in his own way.
The hardest part for you might be letting your friend make his own decision, even if you don't agree with it.
This is not your decision to make.
And it's not the time to take an advice column to him with a, "See, she agrees with me" solution.
It sounds as if the advice you want is advice on how to get him to do what you think is right.
You have a challenge of your own.
The best advice I can give you is to be a friend without necessarily solving his problem.
Whether he opts to go back to his wife, get a divorce or remain undecided for a while, the only thing you can really do is be supportive.
Sometimes being a friend means keeping your mouth shut and just listening. That's what I advise.
Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
Yes, that's a toughie.
LIKE A VIRGIN
