Posted on: Friday, February 18, 2005
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KISSES AND MISSES
He's just not that into his newbie
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By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Relationships Writer
Aloha, Tanya: I am in a relationship with someone I met at a bar in January. We are taking things slowly, and I have no complaints. I broke up with my ex in November but am still in love with him. On a few occasions, while I'm in bed with the new boyfriend, I close my eyes and picture my ex.
The new guy treats me like I've never been treated before. I care for him a lot but am questioning if I will be able to give my all without thinking of the ex. My ex is totally over me and has moved on, with no signs of turning back.
Is it fair to the newbie? Should I call it quits?
— LOST GAY MAN
Is it OK with you if your significant other keeps photos of an old flame? Or should all old albums be destroyed? Vote in our weekly poll. It's too difficult to give a new guy a chance when you can't get past the old one.
The fairest thing would be to work on that before jumping into bed with anyone.
No harm could come from being alone for a while and sorting out your feelings. Much psychological harm could come from screaming out the wrong name in the throes of passion.
So, the first rule, my friend, is: DO NO HARM.
Either gently remove yourself from the situation with the "rebound man," or find a way to remove your ex from the equation and treat the new boyfriend the way he appears to treat you.
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And now, let's move on to more reader mail. This comment is regarding an online poll question about people who are married but dating:
Dear Tanya: We were taught, some years ago, that women should consider all men to be married. The way to find out otherwise is to ask a simple question: "Do you bring your wife along on these trips? Does your wife enjoy these activities?" Whatever seems appropriate. You will get an answer: "Oh, my wife couldn't join me this time." Or "Oh, I don't have one of those." Then you avoid difficult situations about not knowing. The innocent question begets an honest answer. I've used it a number of times and it works like a charm.
— NEVER DATE A MARRIED MAN AGAIN
True enough. But it doesn't solve the real problem of knowing someone is married but dating them anyway. Dating those who are already taken is the quickest path to heartbreak.
Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
If you already are so easily thinking about calling it quits, I'd bet you're not ready for a new relationship.
KEEP PICTURES OF YOUR EX?
