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By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist
For the past eight years or so, Judge Michael Town has been handing out a list of how to keep kids out of his courtroom.
1. Know your child's friends. Encourage your child to bring friends to your home. These friends will often be involved with you and your child for the rest of your lives. 2. Visit your child's school. Let your child know that you are interested and involved in your child's education. As you become aware of your child's school environment, you are better prepared to deal with him or her effectively during the evening and on weekends. 3. Set aside time each evening when you and your child can discuss the day's events. This will help keep you in tune with your child's thoughts and activities. 4. Encourage your child to discuss with you anything of concern or interest. Understand that there is nothing too small or insignificant for a child to discuss with you. 5. Make sure your child knows daily that he or she is loved. Consider giving your child a hug and telling him you love him. Ask yourself if you really like your child and if you enjoy having your child in your life. 6. Set consistent standards of behavior for your child. Let her know that there is socially acceptable and socially unacceptable behavior. Make sure that your child has a clear understanding of your expectations. 7. Reward and discipline your child. Let your child know that there are consequences for acceptable and unacceptable behavior. 8. Set a good example. Make sure your child sees you displaying the type of behavior that you would have him/her demonstrate. 9. Discuss important values and attitudes with your child. Make sure you sit with your child and discuss what motivates you to do your best. A solid ethical grounding that sustains a parent through good and bad times will help sustain a child as well. 10. Share a dream. Help your child understand that a dream shared today can become a reality. By helping set realistic goals, you will help your child control her destiny.
He has given the list to every juror who has served in his court. It has been circulated around the Legislature, printed in newspapers and shared in door-to-door campaigns.
Judge Michael Town's 10 suggestions for parents
"I tell people if they like it, to use it in employee newsletters, PTA bulletins, put it on the fridge; and if they don't like it, it makes a nice paper airplane. I encourage people to pass it around."
Town modeled the list after one written by Judge Jim Payne of Indianapolis. Town's version has been molded and sculpted over the years by community input. He's read it at Rotary clubs, solicited critiques from family and friends, and incorporated comments from the board and staff of the Boys and Girls Club, where he has served as a board member for 20 years.
"I wrote it down, but I'm more the steward than the author," Town says. "It's full of group energy."
"I first saw it and I thought wow, it's so practical," says Boys and Girls Club executive director David Nakada.
So practical, in fact, that some may wonder why any parent might need to be reminded to do these things. Like No. 1, know your child's friends.
You'd be surprised, Town and Nakada say. Some parents have no idea who their kids are hanging with.
"Invite them over. Get to know them," Town says. "Lots of times they'll grow up and still come to visit you. It builds community."
The list used to say "10 ways" but Town changed it to "10 suggestions."
" 'Ways' sounds like I'm the judge and I'm handing down rules," Town says. "I wanted something that would generate discussion around the dinner table."
Many of the suggestions come down to being consistent.
"Kids want structure," Town says. "They don't want a lot of rules, but they want clear, consistent, enforceable rules that make sense. They're testing you all the time to see if you're consistent. In my mind, we must walk the talk. Kids are fearless evaluators of parents' behaviors."
For each of the 10 suggestions, Nakada has a real-life illustration from his 30 years with the Boys and Girls Club.
He recalls one time when a former member, now all grown up, came to visit.
"We were watching the kids play basketball, and one kid made a really nice shot, and this guy, in admiration, said 'oh (expletive)!' "
At the Boys and Girls Club, anyone caught using foul language has to immediately drop down and do pushups. This grown man, remembering the rules, dropped to the ground and started doing his punishment.
"I told him, 'Wow, that was so important for the kids to see. Thanks.' "
No. 10, share a dream, is something that can be forgotten while you're coping with every day life.
"Ask kids, 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' " Town says. "Kids have dreams. Let them dream. Show them how to turn dreams into goals."
Nakada shares a story about asking a teen if she might like working as a bank teller after high school. "She was like, 'Bank? What are you talking about?' ... Kids need to know what's possible."
Says Town: "Take kids to the edge of what could be their dreams. Let them figure out the gateway could be open if they just push on it."
Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.
