Posted on: Saturday, February 26, 2005

EXPRESSIONS OF FAITH
The act of giving is free of obligation

By Rev. James Rude

We're far enough away from Christmas so that nothing I say will insult anybody, but, folks, we've got to rethink what we mean by "gifts." I knew we had a problem when, a few years ago, I saw an ad in a magazine for something under the banner headline: "Free bonus gift."

Yoicks. Those words all mean the same thing! Why repeat them? Then it dawned on me that they sadly no longer did mean the same thing — more's the tragedy.

How often have you had this experience? I invite a friend to lunch, we enjoy ourselves, I eventually ask for the check, it is brought to the table. Suddenly my friend lunges for it. We seesaw over it a bit, and I finally win. I say something like, "Oh, I invited you — it is my gift, please." But then my friend will say, "OK, but I'll pick up the check the next time."

My friend is thus refusing my gift, making the whole thing into a contract: I do something for you, you do something for me (facio ut facias). He can't simply accept my gift without feeling that it creates an obligation for him. But then it is no longer my gift to him. He has ruined it.

We do not have the obligation to say thank you after receiving a gift. We have no obligation whatsoever. For what we received is a gift; it is a freely given token of love on the part of the giver. How can love create obligations? I love you, now you'd better love me back?!

What is created instead is a relationship, or an already existing relationship is deepened. Love extended is accepted and responded to by love extended, shown sometimes in the form of gratitude. But it's not an obligation; then it wouldn't be love. Love is always a free invitation.

Too often holiday gift lists include our spouse's business associates, our insurance agent and our newspaper deliverer or mail person (rarely met) and Christmas cards go out to any number of people we can't remember but who had carded us the previous year. These are not love relationships. They are at best tokens of gratitude for past service or incitements to better service in the future. They are not invitations to involvement in love relationships.

Jewish friends tell me mitzvah, the Hebrew word for "command," means more like "why don't think about ..." "it'd be nice if you ..." The word for commandment, as in the Ten Commandments, is dabar (word).

When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, he answered: Love God with all your heart and soul and might. He added, love your neighbor as yourself. (The former is the Shema from Deuteronomy, the latter from Leviticus.) But our love is a response to God's love and God's love is certainly not done out of some divine obligation toward God's creatures. God freely chooses to love us; God invites us to freely choose to love in return.

I know I'm not going to be able to radically change everyone's way of giving at Christmas. People are still going to exchange gifts that are not personally relationable and involve no love. But at least, please, if I should invite you out to lunch, let me pick up the tab.

The Rev. James Rude is associate pastor of the Catholic Campus Ministry at the University of Hawai'i.