Posted on: Sunday, February 27, 2005

Buddies have taken active role as daddies

By Michael C.DeMattos

I am surrounded by fathers. This is no surprise, I am now starting the "back nine" in the game of life and so are many of my friends. Most are married or in a committed relationship, and nearly all have children. Fifteen years ago I would never have imagined that these guys would be fathers. More surprising still, I would have never imagined that they would be so good at it, but they are, each and every one of them.

We recently had a party at our place and we invited all the likely suspects. Per usual, the conversation flowed, interrupted only by the sound of laughter. At one point during the afternoon, I leaned against a patio post and took in the scene.

For years these guys have been my friends, but I saw them as more than friends on this day. I saw them as fathers.

Each had a little one running around the yard. Each kept an ear on the conversation and an eye on their keiki. Each taught me a little something about being a dad.

We have been told for years that mothers are the family nurturers. And for years both fathers and mothers have suffered under the yoke of this misguided statement. Yes, mothers are nurturing, but dads can be and have been nurturers too.

Now I do not want to sound like the History Channel, but it seems that familial duties, including child-rearing and nurturing, have always been shared, that is until the industrial revolution. It was then that fathers first starting leaving home to go to work. Until that point, home and work were one and the same. Children watched as their parents tended fields or ran the family business. But the industrial revolution changed everything. Now fathers went to work in large cities and the weight of child- rearing fell on mothers entirely.

I have always believed that moms got the short end of the stick. Their responsibilities were trivialized and their workload went unappreciated in the harsh glare of the male "breadwinner." Now, years later, women have entered the work force and are stuck doing double duty: earning an additional and much-needed income as well as raising the children. But I see things changing yet again.

I see more and more fathers taking an active role in child- rearing and not a moment too soon. I see it in society as a whole and among my friends in particular.

My father-friends were not only tossing the pigskin with their kids, they were also settling disputes, teaching manners, fostering gratitude, and sharing joy. I saw a father sitting under a coconut tree watching his daughter run in and out of the sprinkler. Both were laughing aloud, enjoying the moment. Another dad took his daughter by the hand and stood by her as she apologized to a little girl for hurting her feelings. I saw a father encouraging his daughter to stand up for herself. Life can be tough and even unfair, but we can be strong and magnanimous.

Joy, forgiveness and courage — these are values that make for a healthy child and family, instilled by fathers who have reclaimed their place in the family ... fathers who want nothing more than to make a difference in the life of their child. Trust me when I say that the mothers were not exactly on vacation. They were looking after the kids too, but they were not alone.

That seemed to make all the difference in the world.

Family therapist Michael C.DeMattos has a master's degree in social work.