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The Honolulu Advertiser

Posted on: Friday, January 7, 2005

KISSES AND MISSES
Perplexed by status of friendship

 •  More advice columns

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Relationships Writer

Dear Tanya: My problem is one on friendship. A close friend (of seven years) told me on the phone after not hearing from him in a while that he was trying not to call for at least a week or two.

Apparently he felt he was intruding in my life too much. We normally talk on the phone at least three times a week or see each other's family on the weekends.

He recently lost his partner of 11 years, and I have been his sounding board through their relationship and illness. It perplexes me because I'm wondering if he is trying to end the friendship, to move on with his life.

We are brutally honest with each other when it comes to dishing out advice, so I can't understand what is exactly going on.

I know I should just come out and ask, so if it is true, we could just end it. But how do normal friendships end? Maybe we are not normal. Your advice would be welcome.

— FRIEND INDEED?



LIVE TOGETHER?

Do you think it's a good idea to live together before getting married? Vote in our weekly poll. Have your own question? Ask away by e-mailing Tanya.

Could your friend's grief be what's making him appear distant? That would seem natural if he's just lost his partner of 11 years.

Maybe talking to you every other day makes him feel as if he's burdening you with his troubles. The loss of someone close often makes people turn inward for reflection.

But I'm just guessing, and making assumptions isn't going to get you very far.

You know you should just come out and ask. So why don't you just do it, especially since you say you've always been brutally honest?

Talk to your friend. This could be exactly the time when he needs you to be there for him.

Could be that he's hiding from the world, or it could be he's trying to reinvent his life and his relationships.

You may never know unless you make the effort and ask what's going on instead of just deciding your friendship must be near its end.

If you find that the answer is that he really does want to distance himself from you, ask yourself this: Is the work that it takes to maintain the friendship worth the pleasure the friendship brings?

If the answer is no, ending it is like breaking up. There's no rule book or easy answers.

But if it's worth continuing, consider that friendships have an ebb and flow. Those that change intensity may be stronger once you get through the rough spots.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.