honoluluadvertiser.com

Sponsored by:

Comment, blog & share photos

Log in | Become a member
The Honolulu Advertiser

Posted on: Friday, January 21, 2005

KISSES AND MISSES
Friendship becoming exhausting

 •  More advice columns

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Relationships Writer

Dear Tanya: My husband and I socialize with another family. They have two children, and my husband and I have one child. There is a significant age difference between our children.

Our friend Jim's father shot himself last fall, and he and his family have had a difficult time coping with the loss. Jim's father owned a big farm with Jim, and Jim's wife, Susan, is responsible for the bookkeeping for the estate and farm. My husband and I have been there for them through this difficult time.

Now, they get upset if we decide not to go out to dinner with them or go visit every weekend. If we aren't with them, they call and want to talk for hours.

How can my husband and I place limits on the amount of time we spend with them without hurting their feelings? I work full time in a busy law office. Susan does bookkeeping and housework during the day. I have to do all of my housework and shopping after work. She doesn't understand I need quality time with my husband and daughter as well as time to maintain my home.

I care about them, but I can't devote every night on the phone or every weekend with them. As an example, Susan called and wanted to go for dinner tonight. I told her this weekend wouldn't be the best as our daughter has a music recital. Not an hour later, she and her husband went to my husband's workplace and asked him to lunch to find out why I was upset. He replied: "She is tired."

Help! I feel like I have no home life anymore!

— EXHAUSTED FRIEND

WHAT AGE IS OK FOR DATING?

At what age would you allow your son or daughter to begin dating? Is it sweet 16, or is earlier all right with you? Vote in our weekly poll.

This is a tough one. On one hand, I want to tell you if you're really a good friend, you should be there for this couple while they're still going through such a hard time.

But I can see your point about how they have become too needy, and you need family time. Your friends obviously don't know how intrusive so much togetherness can be.

The easy way out is to stop answering your phone so much. But at some point, you have to have a conversation about establishing limits on your time. Talking about it might strain the friendship. I can't think of a good way to break it to Susan that she calls you too much.

You could create a "family night" once a week, encourage Susan and Jim to expand their social network, suggest they seek counseling or get together on a schedule, maybe every other weekend.

Just don't dump them when they need you most.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.