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The Honolulu Advertiser

Posted on: Friday, January 28, 2005

Hey, 'Lost': Get real already

By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

It's hard to tell which is worse, a really bad television series asking for a handout from the state or a really good television series asking for a handout from the state.

When "Baywatch" came here to die, those people acted as if it was Hawai'i's job to save them. Never mind that it had been a money-making franchise for all involved for years. None of them were putting their money into keeping that thing alive. No, they led our naive, star-struck lawmakers to believe it was OUR job to give them tax credits, deep discounts and make them comfy as the insipid show wheezed its last breaths on our sand.

Now "Lost" is pulling the same moves, except they're not tanking in the ratings. In fact, the show is very successful and very good.

Yet they want big tax breaks from the state.

Sheesh, who do they think they are, Jeff Stone?!

OK, so ABC's Emmy-nominated series is losing $500,000 per episode.

Here's the obvious solution: Kill off some of the characters.

Let's go.

There are 14 main characters on the show and 12 "regular guests." That's a huge cast. Bump a couple of them off and save money on salaries, accommodations, food and various perks.

"Law & Order" has succeeded for years with a main cast of five people: two cops, two lawyers and the prosecutor.

"Friends" had six.

"Seinfeld" had a corps of four.

"X-Files" had two.

Fourteen is excessive.

Vote the whiny girl and her wimpy brother off the island. The twitchy guy is kind of annoying, too. He can go. And the pregnant woman has to be on her 15th month now. Enough.

What?! For crying out loud, they're lost on an island! It fits the storyline for a bunch of them not to make it. Not like they're using local actors in the main roles, anyway. And killing off a character brings a bump in ratings, no? Like the "ER" episode that made Joe Moore cry. If done right, it's classic TV.

At least that bad "Baywatch" could argue that Hawai'i tourism was getting advertising from the show. "Lost" doesn't even take place here.

Poor things, the state and county film commissioners. It's their kuleana to build the film and television industry in Hawai'i. On the one hand, they have to try to get these guys to spend money here. On the other, they have to get the state and local businesses to give back the profits. 'As why hard.

ABC wants a "state assistance package"?

Uh, shouldn't government assistance be for the little old lady who can't pay for her medication? Shouldn't that be for innocent babies born to drug-addicted mothers? Shouldn't that be for the elementary school with the puka roof and the broken windows? How does a successful TV show get in line before them?

Get real, or get lost.

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.