Posted on: Monday, January 31, 2005

ABOUT MEN

By Michael Tsai
Advertiser Staff Writer

I'm going pro.

It's always been my dream to play professional sports and now, after carefully evaluating the market and consulting with my loved ones, I feel the time is right for me to make the jump.

Granted, I'm not exactly sure which sport I'm going to compete in just yet.

Like Bo Jackson, Deion Sanders, Charlie Ward and Tony Gonzales before me, I've been blessed with certain physical gifts that afford me the opportunity to excel at more than one sport. However, I feel that I owe it to history to focus my talents on a single arena of competition.

So whether it's thumb war, pencil fight, bloody knuckles or long-distance loogie hocking, you can rest assured that my pursuit of excellence will not be compromised.

It's true that in less-enlightened times, a person of my stature (5 feet 7 in thick socks, 172 squishy pounds) would be precluded from entering our culture's narrow pantheon of recognized sport.

But as a quick survey of cable sports offerings clearly attests, any flubbery, out-of-shape, fist-pumping, cholesterol-clumping, gold chain-wearing, chest-hair baring schlub can be a professional athlete these days.

Today, our definition of athletic competition is so insanely broad that Fox Sports has been filling its airtime with programs like "The Glutton Bowl," a competitive eating event more repulsive than anything you'll see on "Fear Factor," and "Rock, Paper, Scissors," a competition in which grown men and women square off in a high-intensity duel of ... rock paper scissors (jan ken po, to us local folks).

Seriously. I'm incapable of making this up.

ESPN has found such huge success with it's broadcasts of "The World Series of Poker" that it's developed an original TV drama about the so-called sport. The network has also proven itself the Worldwide Leader in competitive billiards, bowling and — brace yourself — spelling bees. Good grief! I can spel, sing me up!

In a world where screaming home-schooled geeks are vying for SportsCenter face time against Terrell Owens and Kevin Garnett, why should any of us settle for a life of fluorescent lights and cubicles?

Hey, I'm not a great poker player, but how good do you really have to be to hang with the big boys? If I just sit at the table and stare at my cards for 10 minutes, there's a good chance 70-going-on-119-year-old Doyle Brunson will nod off and Greg "Fossilman" Raymer will go hypoglycemic and collapse under the weight of his chins.

And while I may not be in the same class as legendary hotdog eater Takeru Kobayashi, that lightweight has never come close to breaking my meal-to-nap time speed record.

So what will it be? Triple-A sham battle? No-limit West Virginia-style Old Maid? Pro-Am Duck-Duck-Goose? Should I apply for the Professional "Quarters" Tour?

My agent will take your suggestions now.

Reach Michael Tsai at mtsai@honoluluadvertiser.com or 535-2461.