Posted on: Friday, July 1, 2005

COMMENTARY
Identity thief might want to leave me alone

By Tanya Barrientos

I called my credit card company the other day to ask if my account was one of the 40 million that was stolen from CardSystems Solutions Inc. and is now free pickings for thieves.

The young lady on the other end of the line simply sighed. And then she said, in a lovely Southern accent, that she had no earthly idea.

I was hoping for something a little more concrete. A word or two that would put my mind at ease. Something along the lines of: "Your card? Who would want to steal your card?"

I'll admit I am what you might call a worrier.

It doesn't take much to tie my gut in knots.

I read somewhere that lightning can strike straight through telephone lines during rainstorms. So if we're yakking and thunder rumbles, it's, "So long, sweetie; ring you later."

When I bought my car three years ago, I insisted it not have electric windows. Because if I ever drive into a lake, I want to be able to escape.

I booked this year's summer vacation in November. And I've telephoned the airline and the hotel every month since then to reconfirm.

I scan the European weather reports daily so I can pack accordingly. As of today, I've decided to take blue jeans, black pants, seven tops, a jean skirt and a dress. Or maybe two pairs of black pants, no skirt, and a dress. Plus a sweater and two umbrellas, just in case.

Understandably, the recent rash of financial-information heists and identity thefts has made me break out in hives. What if someone who doesn't give a whit about returning library books on time is out there pretending to be me?

I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that there's nothing I can do about it. Except give the thief some pointers on being Tanya Barrientos.

First, Mr. Bad Guy, you should know that your mother has never been too keen on the man you married.

Or the way you dress.

Dairy is not your friend.

And those bright-red highlights the hairdresser keeps insisting will make you look younger? Just say no.

In case you intend to go on a wild shopping spree with my line of credit, allow me to clue you in on my buying habits.

You aren't the hippest chick on the block.

The last DVD you purchased was "Sweet Charity," with Shirley MacLaine.

The biggest charge you put on your card in May was $626.13. For dental work. On your cat.

And if you get an itch to log thousands of long-distance minutes on my cell phone account, trust me, you are going to get flagged by security. I've spent exactly five hours, 35 minutes and 56 seconds on my hand-held since last summer.

You are a little wide in the hips.

A little farsighted.

And did I mention your dad is still disappointed that you never even tried to go to graduate school?

If you want to steal my identity, I can't stop you.

But do me a favor.

Visit our parents more often, will you?

Tanya Barrientos is a columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer.