When laundry becomes a danger
By Jeff Passan
Knight Ridder News Service
Before Kenny Rogers was suspended 20 games for being an idiot, he was simply stupid.
Overshadowed by Rogers' attack of two cameramen — and, perhaps, the cause of his outburst — was his decision to punch a water cooler June 17. Rogers broke a bone in his right hand, which actually prompted some to laud him for not taking out his frustration with his pitching hand. What a saint.
Of course, stupid baseball injuries are nothing new. More than any other sport, baseball players shame themselves and miss hundreds of games because of absent-mindedness, recklessness or plain old brain lapses. June was a banner month, with Pittsburgh starter Oliver Perez breaking a big toe by kicking a laundry cart and Colorado shortstop Clint Barmes cracking his collarbone after he fell down while hauling what must've been a Flintstone-sized hunk of venison.
In the annals of stupid injuries, none of these punctures baseball's all-time list, where a player burns his chest from trying to steam-iron a shirt — while wearing it. Another dislocates his shoulder following an attempt to tear a phone book in half. Oh, there are plenty more: sensitive skin from too much time in the tanning bed or a strained back from trying to change the TV or a hand injury from pounding on the hotel wall because the people in the next room over wouldn't shut up.
Leave it to baseball players to create injuries that won't be showing up on "ER" anytime soon.
"We know how to get hurt," Royals starter Brian Anderson said, "and we know how to do it in some weird ways."
Legend had it that Anderson, then with the Diamondbacks, hurt his elbow wrapping his arm around a taxi headrest on his way to the ballpark.
"Not true," Anderson said. "Not true at all. I went into the trainer's room because my elbow was stiff. It got worse and worse, and after four hours getting treatment, it was so stiff I couldn't move it. A doctor came in and asked me if I'd done anything differently. I told him about the taxi, and he looks at my elbow for a second and says: 'Probably bruised a nerve. That's why it's stiff.'
"And then it comes out, like, what happened? Well, he had his arm funny in a taxi cab."
Turns out the bursa sac in Anderson's elbow somehow was punctured, leaking fluid into his arm. Once the fluid released into the rest of his body, Anderson's elbow returned to normal. The story stuck.
So many of baseball's weirdest injuries grow apocryphal over time. The one about Giants manager Roger Craig cutting his hand on his wife's bra? Great story. False, but great.
"I'm 75 years old, and you forget things that happen," Craig said. "But I don't remember anything like that. My wife doesn't remember, either, and we've been married 53 1/2 years. If it was true, I'd tell you."
For all of the denials, there are dozens of stories that continue to resonate. Braves starter John Smoltz really did singe his chest with the steam iron. And Marlins starter A.J. Burnett burned his pitching hand while ironing jeans, which raises the question, who irons jeans?
Burnett's injury took place May 7, 2001, exactly a year after Marlins reliever Ricky Bones strained his back sitting up from a recliner in the clubhouse to change the TV.
"It was right after taking batting practice in Florida," Bones said. "The routine after batting practice at home was shower, lay down in a La-Z-Boy and watch TV around 6 o'clock. I got up, and my back started tightening up and spasming. Man, I had the remote in my hand, too."
Hey, accidental injuries happen all the time. Outfielder Oddibe McDowell sliced his finger buttering a roll. Hall of Famer Wade Boggs tweaked his back trying to put on cowboy boots. Third baseman Chris Brown strained his eyelid by sleeping the wrong way.
"An eyelid injury is always strange to me," Anderson said. "Seriously, how do you pull an eyelid?"
Brewers pitcher Steve Sparks tried to pull a phone book in two pieces during a fiery speech. He ended up pulling his shoulder out of the socket.
More injuries than any resemble Sparks': stupid for no good reason.
Former Royals prospect Mark Quinn cracked a rib kung-fu fighting with his brother before spring training. Rickey Henderson developed a bad case of frostbite. In August. Because he left an ice pack on too long. After he was ejected for scuffing the ball with a tack, Rick Honeycutt gashed his forehead. When wiping it in frustration, he forgot the tack was still taped to his finger.
Bret Barberie missed a game after rubbing chili juice in his eye. Greg Harris hurt his arm flicking sunflower seeds. Nolan Ryan was bitten by a coyote. Mickey Tettleton injured his foot from tying his shoelaces too tight. Randy Veres busted his hand because he couldn't stand his hotel neighbors.
Marty Cordova fell asleep in a tanning bed and woke up Kentucky Fried Outfielder.
Odd injuries in baseball are inevitable. Where else would you find the excuse used by Glenallen Hill, then with the Blue Jays, who showed up in the clubhouse with a cut on his foot. Hill explained that he had dreamt spiders were chasing him, started running around his room and gashed his foot on a glass table. He claimed arachnophobia.
He should've used the excuse that he was a baseball player. Everyone certainly would've understood.
