Employees need courage, persistence to find a solution

The actions of an insecure boss can take many forms, among them infuriating nitpicking and incessant over-the-shoulder monitoring.

Out of fear of retribution for even broaching the topic of flaws in his or her management style, you're convinced there's nothing you can do about it except silently wonder, "Why is my boss such a freak?"

While many worker bees would rather tolerate being the whipping boys for dictatorial supervisors than confront them, beleaguered employees do possess the power to mend a dysfunctional relationship with a boss, according to workplace consultants.

The catch is you have to muster the courage to initiate the conversation.

What workers may not know is that many times, bosses and their subordinates have a mutual purpose or a common goal, according to Shirley Poertner, president of Poertner Consulting Group in West Des Moines.

The problem is neither side knows it.

"I always encourage people when I find them in that situation to figure it out and work through it with that insecure manager," Poertner said. "I think that there's a lot the employee can do to change the behavior."

Sounds scary, yes, Poertner admits. But not impossible.

"This is just a skill," she said. "Just like riding a bicycle. They just have to want to do it."

(In reality, most workers would probably want to confront their boss as much as they'd want to have a root canal.)

There can be several factors at the root of an insecure boss's actions, said Kevin Pokorny, a training consultant with HR-OneSource in Johnston.

Pokorny said the causes run the gamut: From the aggressive, extreme perfectionist type, to indecisive, passive leaders lacking the confidence to make any decisions because they fear rejection from workers who would be unhappy with their choices. A boss could also be insecure in a work relationship and react due to gender issues, he said.

Employees may also have to weigh whether such behavior is sporadic, Pokorny said, a result of high-stress periods at work.

Insecurity may be caused by a manager being new to the job and still learning the ropes, Poertner said. For others, it may be a matter of their "work style," or the result of a specific workplace culture that requires greater oversight of workers.

For many bosses, their specific management style is all they know, Poertner said.

"I think it's an innate way of performing. It's been programmed into who they are from early childhood and their early experiences in an organization," she said. But, with the help of workers, such behaviors can be changed.

To call attention to the boss's behavior, Poertner said, workers should establish that they are allies who have the same goal. Workers also have to ask themselves what they want out of the manager-employee relationship.

Workers first have to "make it safe" for the boss to let down his or her guard to have this conversation, Poertner said. For instance, avoid getting defensive during the meeting, and, more importantly, show respect.

Poertner concedes that this can be difficult, especially when tempers are flaring.

"Maintain respect for that manager as a human being, who, for whatever reason, is doing the best that they can do," she said.

Pokorny concurs: "Always be respectful. Don't personalize it."

Remain objective, calm and factual, Pokorny said. Ask what you can do to be more productive or what you have to do to prove that your ideas have merit.

Before meeting with the boss, Pokorny recommends practicing out loud and in front of a mirror what you're going to say. Listen particularly to your tone of voice and watch your body language.

Anticipate your boss's possible responses and how you would react.

"All of that nonverbal communication is going to give off a lot more of the meaning you're conveying than the words you use," Pokorny said. Ideally, meet in private and in person. Do not, he said, have the conversation via e-mail

What if you don't get results after your first meeting? This likely won't be a one-shot deal, Poertner said, so be persistent.

But unfortunately, not all scenarios have a happy ending, even after numerous attempts.

"A person just has to figure out how to live with that relationship to get what they need, and overlook what makes it frustrating for them," Poertner said. "Or, maybe they need to leave."