Be on alert for dating violence
By The Rev. Al Miles
Sarah was 17 when she met her boyfriend, Lawrence, 19, at their conservative Christian college.
"He really pursued me, which was very validating," Sarah says. "One time Lawrence waited outside my dorm room until I arrived, just to hold open the door for me. He seemed so nervous and shy while trying to strike up a conversation. I thought this behavior was really cute."
The romance moved along quickly. Sarah says that after six months of dating, she was definitely in love.
"He was so affectionate and always called me 'Sweetie' and all these other pet names," Sarah recalls. "Lawrence was involved in ministry and thinking about going into missions work. We had even talked about getting married. Everything seemed so perfect."
As their relationship progressed, however, Lawrence began to turn violent. After subjecting Sarah to a barrage of emotional, physical and sexual torment for nearly two years, Lawrence decided to break up with her.
Sarah and God were blamed for the dissolution.
"Lawrence said I was crazy and hysterical and I needed to find myself," Sarah recalls. "He also said I wasn't the person I once was and that God had something else that was better and bigger for him.
"Throughout our relationship, Lawrence used God a lot to support his actions and views. He'd say, 'I was doing my devotions this morning, and thinking about this verse.' He'd spend more time in church, did more devotions, and wanted to talk with me about these things.
"But he'd never apologize for abusing me. I don't think that he thought there was anything wrong with how he was treating me."
Dating violence among teens exists in all cultures, races, socioeconomic groups — and religions. Both sexes are victimized and the victimizers. Girls are more likely than are boys to yell, threaten to hurt themselves, pinch, slap, scratch, or kick their partners. Boys injure girls more and are more likely to punch their partners and force them to participate in unwanted sexual activity.
Christian teens are no less vulnerable to the problems associate with dating violence than are any other young adults.
Some common warning signs that may indicate a teen girl or teen boy is in an abusive dating relationship:
Parents, pastors and youth workers must seek the necessary education and training to help address the pervasive problem of dating violence.
The Rev. Al Miles, Pacific Health Ministry's coordinator of the hospital ministry department at The Queen's Medical Center, is the author of "Ending Violence in Teen Dating Relationships: A Resource Guide for Parents and Pastors."
