Posted on: Tuesday, June 7, 2005

PARENT POWER
Skip the psychobabble on soiling

By John Rosemond

Q. My oldest son, soon to be 8, still soils his underwear during school or recess. Some of it is that he is embarrassed to use the toilet that's in the classroom, and some of it is that he gets busy and doesn't want to stop what he's doing. His doctor says he has no physical problem.

We have tried spanking, grounding and threatening him with having to wear pull-ups (but we really don't want to humiliate him). We have even suggested that one of us might need to come to school and remind him to use the toilet. A counselor told us that our son's soiling was his way of expressing hostility toward us and suggested that we are too controlling. Is that psychobabble or could there be something to it? Anyway, we'd sure appreciate some ideas.

A. As for whether the counselor's explanation qualifies as psychobabble, here is its definition: An explanation of human behavior that posits the existence of motives that cannot be verified by any objective means. You can be the judge.

Such an explanation always transfers responsibility for the problem from child to parents. Thus, they no longer know who needs to be corrected, the child or themselves. Let's get one thing clear: This problem is of your son's making, not yours. The discipline, therefore, needs to be directed at him, not you.

Here is a disciplinary axiom: The manner in which parents define a child's behavior problem will determine the effectiveness of their approach. At present, you are defining your son's soiling in a way that gives him permission to continue. Saying he's "embarrassed" to use the bathroom at school or he's "too busy" to tend to business during recess are ways of excusing the problem.

You first need to define the problem in a manner that assigns full responsibility to him. Tell him that it's rude (the smell offends others) and irresponsible.

Your attitude has got to become one of calm, determined intolerance. In that regard, I'll share what I recently recommended to the parents of a 9-year-old who was also soiling at school. When soiling occurred, the child was removed from the classroom and a parent was called to take him home. He was confined to his room for the rest of the day and only allowed to come out to use the bathroom. Before this rehabilitation program began, his room was stripped of all entertainment. I call this "Kicking the Child Out of the Garden of Eden." He could come out of his room only to use the bathroom. If soiling occurred two times or more during the school week, the child was confined to his room for the subsequent weekend.

Two school days and one weekend in his room was all it took for him to resolve his anger toward his over-controlling parents and begin using the toilet properly.